musings from the journey

psalm 18: my story.

2012-02-21T11:37:00.003-05:00

I found my story in Psalm 18 the other night. I’ve read that passage many times and clung to its promises, but I just realized it chronicles my journey over the past two years.

My verse 4 came around this time two years ago. I had been grieving for months over an event that broke my heart. Do you know what it’s like when you know the sun is shining outside, but you can’t feel it? It was like that for me, for months. I felt like I was walking in a rain cloud everywhere I went. I was doing everything I knew to do—praying, getting others to pray for me, reading the Bible—but I just wasn’t getting better. There was just one thing I hadn’t been willing to do yet, mostly because I thought that, if I had to do it, I must really be crazy. I didn’t want to be labeled “crazy,” even though I honestly felt like I was going insane.

I remember the moment. I was driving into my mother’s neighborhood to cry things out over lunch (a frequent habit for me at the time), and I remember thinking, “I’ve done all I can do. I’m at the end of myself. God, whatever I need to do, I will.”

That was when I looked into getting counseling.

Now, for some of you, that’s not a big deal. You understand the need for counseling and how it works. I, however, was coming from the (wrong) perspective that, if you need counseling, you are really messed up. But the truth was that I really did need help, so if my thinking I was “messed up” was what it took for me to get the help I needed, then it was worth it. Whatever the method, I came to the end of myself and was willing to try something I had been afraid of.

So I admitted to someone in the know that I needed counseling, and I got a recommendation. God’s provision was in that recommendation, because the person I ended up with was so fitted to understand my personality that I cannot doubt the hand of God in guiding me there. That started my true healing process, and it touched more areas of my heart than I can recount.

I had been thinking that faith was supposed to be enough to get me through the difficult times, and because it wasn’t, I must be failing. My faith must not be enough.

But it turns out that I did have enough faith. It takes faith to ask for help. It takes faith to try what you’ve never tried. It even takes faith to follow God into a counseling office.

And in those next 18 months, God rent the heavens and came to my rescue. The foundations of my belief system were shaken, and the rotten bricks were torn out. He exposed lies I had believed about myself and about Him, and through counseling, gave me the tools I needed to replace them with His Truth. (Turns out there are practical, cognitive ways of “taking every thought captive!”)

He led me to books, teachings, and Scriptures that talked about the very things I was dealing with. He sent people into my life to help carry me. He even brought my husband into my world at the exact same time I started counseling, and he has been instrumental in my healing.

God spared no expense, yet again, in getting me free. He rescued me from my despair.

It was a long, arduous process to get me free…but I am free. And not only free, but strong! My enemy has truly lost his ground, and he will not take it back. And I will not turn back until he is destroyed…

Does this mean I don’t still struggle from time to time? No. The same thoughts still try to come back and get me to fear. But I know how to fight them now, and they will not conquer me.

I’m telling you this to tell you there is hope, no matter your situation. Psalm 18 can be your story, too. I’m not saying counseling is the magic answer to your prayers, but I encourage you to broaden your view of how God wants to heal you. He wants you to be free, and He will do whatever it takes to get you there. It may be hard, but nothing could be more worth the freedom and healing that is on the other side.

be Mine.

2012-02-14T16:13:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to take a moment and give you a breather from all the hearts, candy, and red-and-pink combos that, for whatever reason, accompany the 14th of February.

Valentine's Day is a tough day for a lot of people--single and married. Delayed hopes have led to sickness and pain in many hearts, and the barrage of commercials, Facebook statuses and romantic movies just pour salt on the wounds of failed expectations.

I'm not here to continue that trend. I only want to tell you that you are loved. Really, truly loved.

I have been where some of you are. Hurt, lonely, confused. And I have experienced some of the deepest healing of my life through the journey God has me on. But it surprised me, the way He did it. It wasn't this relationship that healed me. Honest-to-goodness, what has healed my heart at the deepest level is truly embracing God's love for me. It was getting past the lies I've believed for so long and finally walking into the Truth of who I am, and--to be cliche but perfectly serious--Whose I am. While my fiance is wonderful and I adore him, he has not healed me. God has.

And you, my reader, have the chance to step into that journey of discovering His love for you now, just as you are, single or married or what-have-you.

No matter where you are, He is saying to you, "be Mine." He is enthralled by your beauty (Psalm 45). No human being can love you as truly as He can.

It's time that we (and I'm speaking to myself, too) stop looking to others for the love that we can only get from God. Everything else pales in comparison.

Be encouraged, dear heart. You are loved, truly, deeply, completely.

Happy Valentine's Day.

ms. varner.

2012-02-08T16:58:00.002-05:00

Ms. Varner died this week. She was 102 years old.

"I'm goin' around the second time," she used to say with a smile. Always cheerful, giving the sweetest smiles, even though she was confined to a bed and an oxygen machine.

It's my first loss since I've been going to this particular retirement home in our town. I figured it was coming, but I wasn't sure how it would feel.

The hard thing about serving in this kind of ministry is that, instead of seeing people get better, you watch them decline...and it's normal. Age and illness deteriorate these precious bodies right in front of your eyes. You see it, and you look past it. You try to make this day count--for them, and for you.

It's a unique pain, but honestly, it's beautiful. To get the chance to know some of these precious people, to learn their stories, their likes and dislikes, their senses of humor, their favorite songs...it truly is a blessing. The relationships you build are worth the potential loss.

I believe that's almost always the case.

It's worth it to pour yourself out. Because, at the end of the day, you made someone feel like they matter. And in turn, they made you a better person.

life as a jam session.

2012-01-18T11:32:00.002-05:00

I acknowledge Pastor Phil Strange’s latest message as the inspiration for this blog post…

Phil got me thinking recently about the idea of “life as a jam session.” For you non-musical folks, a jam session is when a group of musicians come together and improvise music. They create on the spot as a team. It takes familiarity with your craft and also with your fellow players to be able to do this successfully, because it involves the art of listening and then responding with the skills you already have. This is also the way of improv theater, come to think of it…

The more familiar you are with the other players, the easier this kind of improvising becomes. In terms of the worship team I play with, we have spent so much time together on and off the stage that we know each other intimately. Sometimes it’s like we can read each other’s minds, and the effect of that unity on our group dynamic is nothing short of incredible.

God moves in that kind of unity…

The thing about jam sessions is, you have no idea what you’re going to create until you’re actually there, doing it. With improv theater, you’re creating a scene on-the-spot with no script. You’re purposely venturing into the unknown—with an audience. For a lot of people, including myself, the unknown causes some anxiety. But as you build trust and relationship with the ones you’re venturing into the unknown alongside, the fear becomes less. At least you’re facing it together, and at least you know who’s by your side.

Isn’t it that way with God? The more intimately we come to know Him and His character, the more assured we can feel as we walk into unchartered territory. We can face the future, having absolutely no idea what it contains, because we know the One Who is beckoning us forward.

Now, He is Who He is, regardless of how well we think we know Him. He is always good, and He will never change. But our growing understanding of His Truth builds our faith so that we can step into His future for us with some level of assurance. It changes our perception, and that makes all the difference.

I’m learning that it’s our perception of our future that either propels us forward in confidence, or keeps us crippled in fear of the unknown.

When we embrace the intimacy God offers us, life really becomes a jam session between us and Him. He brings all His goodness, power and wisdom to the table, and we bring our hearts, personalities, passions, and every other good thing He has created. And the flaws…we bring the flaws, too. And that’s also good, because it provides other areas for Him to complete us.

I want to know God so well that I'm comfortable living life as a jam session with Him. When I look through the Bible, I see the glorious results of living that way…and I want in! I am determined to become a good improviser, because He has made me competent to do so. He is enough, and so am I...how about you?

bowling.

2012-01-17T16:06:00.003-05:00

This past weekend, Trav and I checked two things off our "dating bucket list": ice-skating and bowling. You would think that we would have accomplished these things when we first started dating, but they ended up being a part of our engagement period instead. I think it was better that way, at least regarding ice-skating. The fact that I was willing to stumble around on slippery ground and potentially look ridiculous for an hour and a half is indicative of true intimacy...

The bowling expedition was great fun, especially at the uninhabited Swamp Fox Lanes in Moncks Corner. The whole time I was thinking of Jim Gaffigan's bit on bowling...especially the dirtiness of the equipment.

There's something romantic about doing the simple things like bowling...what do you and your significant other like to do on dates?

thankful Christmas!

2012-01-02T17:39:00.003-05:00

it's been a busy and wonderful 9 days of Christmas so far...much to be thankful for. Here's a recap of the highlights to add onto my Thankful list:

-Christmas Eve dinner with my mom, my dad and stepmom, and my future in-laws. (It was great. How many people can boast of that? True redemption.)

-Christmas morning with Mom

-Christmas Day dinner with 20 or so friends and family members--one big family, really.

-wearing lots of fun, dangly earrings

-dreaming of the future with Travis

-counting down the days 'til the wedding

-watching "Wives and Daughters" multiple times

-drinking tea at home

-drinking tea with future mom-in-law at This Whole House

-coffee, coffee, coffee

-a whole week of quiet mornings with Bingley

-taco night

-Scrabble

-"War Horse" and "We Bought a Zoo"

-"Megamind" and "How to Train Your Dragon"

-holiday scented candles, supremely discounted

-buying our first Christmas tree

-new kitchen toys to play with

-a cat stocking for Bingley

-watching Travis shoot his rifle

-cheering on Jeanne while she tests out new zombie video games

-date night

-changing out my closet and giving clothes away

-having a relaxed schedule for an entire week (thank you, Greg Surratt!)

-thinking about reading a book...but too busy relaxing to actually do it...so I'll blog instead. :)

Happy New Year to you!

thankful fifteen

2011-12-14T14:11:00.002-05:00

#335 - 358

answered prayers

Glenn Miller's Christmas music

wrapping presents

buying stocking stuffers

wearing big hoop earrings

an unexpected note from my cousin in Thailand

our all-staff Christmas parties

oyster roasts!

laughing so hard I cry, especially in quiet places (sorry, Barnes & Noble)

ironic humor

buy-one-get-one-free

love notes

mint chocolate gum

finding home decor that both Travis and I like

pictures that remind me of the day we got engaged

being on the same page

the Food Network

new cookbooks, even if I rarely use the recipes within

the series Planet Earth, which showed me aspects of God's creation I didn't know existed

a torch-lit canoe ride through a black cypress swamp on a cold night

hearing a good storyteller make a familiar tale sound new again

receiving photo Christmas cards of families I love

camels

finding the joy in the mundane

thankful fourteen.

2011-11-29T16:19:00.003-05:00

#309 - 334

a ten-hour trip that feels like two

being with Travis in lots of random places

two aunts and an uncle grinning from the kitchen window at the sight of my fiance (whom they hadn't met)

a Christmas parade

the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade

Broadway performances on tv

finding the random store open on Thanksgiving Day

the new-car smell

the Muppets

realizing you've grown up, and it's good

a fiance that is also a good nurse

mountains with trees

the Blue Ridge Parkway

wedding invitations

warm cinnamon-sugar almonds

figuring out a good band arrangement of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch"

an uber-supportive mother and father (and extended family)

totally unexpected "happy engagement!" gifts

being reminded of Truth

the anticipation of learning a new skill

coffee cups that remind me of the people who gave them to me

cartoon Christmas specials that make me giggle

red bows

green and red, red and green

seeing the Body of Christ come together to support a hurting member. I know I've said that before, but I'm watching it happen again with the same group of people, different situation, this week...truly awesome.

sauteed chicken.

thankful thirteen!

2011-11-22T10:37:00.002-05:00

It's been entirely too long since I've given thanks. You would think that a girl would be CONSTANTLY thankful after getting so much closer to the desire of her heart (I got engaged about two months ago!), but it turns out that thankfulness can get pushed aside rather quickly with all the details and rush of planning a wedding. Even in the good seasons, you must choose to stop and be thankful. And so, today, I pick up my list and embrace this moment, with ring on finger, leaves changing, and joy all around.

#288 - 308

bananas

holiday music stations on Pandora (I'm finally ready to listen)

tuxedo cat fur (yes, I am constantly thankful for my cat. He is a pure joy.)

Thanksgiving cards made by children

an upcoming road trip through the mountains

Bing Crosby's voice

autumn-colored leaves

orange quote-shaped post-it notes

mixed media art

hair bows

baking on my day off!

with my Kitchen Aid mixer!

my giant family gathering for Thanksgiving

the fact that it's almost time to watch Christmas movies ("Elf" is first on the list!)

the lyric, "you've got garlic in your soul" (name that song)

green, yellow and plum

the diamond ring on my finger (have I mentioned that yet?)

the fiance who gave me the ring...

the fact that I get to call him, "my fiance"

55 paper lanterns now residing in my apartment, waiting for my wedding day...

the Lord's constant care and attention. He is so good, and so mind-blowing!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. I'm thankful that you're reading my blog! :)

sing! sing!

2011-10-12T14:33:00.002-04:00

This video beautifully demonstrates the importance of us all singing, regardless of our voices...kind of like what I was saying in this post.

Bifrost Arts from josh franer on Vimeo.

thankful twelve.

2011-09-26T15:34:00.002-04:00

#265 - 287

a private live bluegrass concert from pastor papa next door
the cat thinking I'm his playmate
brother's birthday
an out-of-tune family song
a full mug
a successful meeting
good news from the vet
picture frames
a handmade blanket
a full plate
lunch plans
quote-shaped sticky notes
new tunes in the car cd player (yes, i still use cds)
purple
revelation
people who are gifted to cry with the hurting
comfort food
colored pencils
new recipes
amy's french press
letters from travis
defeating the what ifs
conversations that challenge, reveal, and unite

hello, it's the unexpected calling...

2011-09-21T13:24:00.003-04:00

It all started in April.

I went to the local retirement home to visit the mother of one of our church members. She was in the critical care unit while her son was on another continent, and she was feeling sick and lonely. I took my guitar, thinking I would find her alone in her room and be able to play some songs for her. I found her in the sunroom, however, with several other residents. I sat off to the side, trying to be discreet and to just play some mellow music while they painted.

The activities director wasn't having the whole "discreet" thing. Instead, she started wheeling more and more residents out to the porch to listen to me play and sing. I soon realized that these people hadn't heard much music in a long time, and the impact it had on them was remarkable. The melodies soothed, the words ministered, and just me being there seemed to lift their spirits. More surprisingly, though, was that the simple songs I played were meeting a need that many of them had...the need to worship God.

I found out that day that there's an entire church of people waiting to be reached, and they're right down the road. We just have to go to them.

The more hymns I played, the more they sang along with me. (Note to self: memorize the Baptist hymnal.) One gentleman, in particular, seemed dramatically affected by the music. Mr. J fixated in wonder my fingers strumming the guitar, and when I began singing a song he knew, he kind of jolted awake and sang it with me. He knew all the words. The music stirred him, but more than that, the ability to sing and worship God from his wheelchair moved him.

When I began singing, "How Great Thou Art," he broke down in tears.

Since then, I've discovered that Mr. J has Alzheimer's. Every time I see him, he seems to be retreating more and more into the fog. Certain songs will still jolt him awake, but it takes longer now than it did. Still, the music and the interaction makes a difference. I know it does.

Well, one conversation led to another visit, then another, then more people got involved, and I discovered that reaching this demographic is a passion for a lot of people in the church. So it seems that it's time to get something officially started.

These precious people need to know that they are not forgotten. They need to know that they are loved, and that they still have a purpose. I've seen what simple songs can do to communicate these truths. Can you imagine what consistent connection and relationship might do as well?

So, that all being said, we're starting a ministry at Seacoast Summerville to keep ministering to these sweet people. If this is something that stirs you up, let me know. And if it's not your passion, do pray for us. I have no idea what all this will lead to, but I do believe it's a mission field for me right now...will keep you posted. :)

(Oh, and do pray for Mr. J. He is so precious, and I know his family is suffering as they watch him decline...)

turns out...#1

2011-09-15T13:50:00.005-04:00

Turns out, if you instruct a group of vocalists to do the "siren" exercise together as a warm-up, the collective voices sound like a firetruck.

This is a very bad thing to discover when you're moments away from singing at a funeral for a fireman.

(Yes, I did that. And it wasn't just one fireman--it was the Charleston Nine. So if you ever think you've done the dumbest thing ever, I hope this makes you feel better.)

Happy Thursday. :)

random recipe #1: a pumpkin breakfast

2011-09-06T11:53:00.003-04:00

As beloved autumn approaches, I thought some of you might enjoy a fun autumn-ish breakfast idea: pumpkin oat bran! Thanks to the delightful Jessi C for the idea! This kind of thing is great because you can pretty much substitute anything for anything. Here's my version if you want to try it out:

Ingredients:
1/3 cup oat bran
1/3 cup (and a splash more of) unsweetened almond milk
1/3 cup (or more) pumpkin puree (NOT pumpkin pie filling)
1 tsp kosher salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
2 tbsp shredded unsweetened coconut
one banana
one tbsp almond butter
organic honey (as much as you want)

In a small sauce pan, mix together oat bran, almond milk, pumpkin, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt and a little water. I find that oat bran heats very quickly and can stick to the bottom of the pot, so I recommend heating this mixture over medium heat, stirring frequently until hot. Mix in the coconut and honey (sweeten to taste). Layer mixture with sliced banana. Top with scoop of almond butter and a little more honey.

And, as with any good breakfast, enjoy with coffee. :) Let me know what you think!

thankful eleven.

2011-09-01T16:53:00.006-04:00

#246-265

It's almost the end of the work week for me (I'm thankful for that!), and I wanted to finish strong with another list of blessings:

getting to catch up with my buddy Jason Groce (follow him on Twitter. you'll laugh!)

new Eisley tunes

the feeling of being productive

having someone catch your vision and decide to join you

making a hospital visit enjoyable (at least somewhat) for the patient

a random photo shoot in the office

thursday nights (they're like my fridays)

climbing out of confusion into clarity

watching a group, family, or team come together to support a hurting member

prayer support (where would we be without prayer support?)

new pumpkin recipes

breezes that hint at the approach of autumn

green palm trees against a blue sky

sushi

theater 99 and the people there

unsweeted iced honeybush vanilla tea

a high-schooler becoming a college kid

a clear, beautiful evening with nothing scheduled tomorrow

my extraordinary boyfriend. can't say enough about him.

random happy moments with goofy people

happy (almost) friday!

inspirations: akus.

2011-08-30T15:56:00.003-04:00

This post is dedicated to one of my favorite music groups, Alison Krauss and Union Station (AKUS, as I will call them).

Here's the thing--I am not a huge bluegrass fan. I find a lot of the songs depressing and the themes redundant. However, bluegrass music often showcases some of the most incredible musical talent I have ever witnessed. And five of those unbelievably talented musicians make up AKUS.

If you're unfamiliar with AKUS, this isn't just a backup band for Alison Krauss. While she is one AMAZING vocalist, she's just one piece of the puzzle. The four guys are all very successful individually, and they are all experts in their particular instruments.

But somehow, these five distinct musical personalities come together to form one distinct sound. Each member plays a significant part in that sound, and without one of the other players, you would know something is missing.

It's the unity that inspires me. Always has, since I started ministry. And musical unity touches me in a deep way, especially when it comes to vocals. I went to their concert in Charleston recently, and toward the end, Alison and guitarist Dan Tyminski sang "Your Long Journey." From the first note, they were in perfect harmony together. Crystal clear, confident, exact...awesome. I got choked up instantly. Both Alison and Dan have such unique voices that it's hard to mistake them for anyone else, and yet they are able to take their distinctive tones and blend them into this perfect, unified sound. It really is incredible.

So how do you take several unique personalities and unify them into one cohesive sound? Isn't this the goal of teamwork? It's figuring out what each person is capable of, expecting the best from each other, and helping each one find his place in the big picture. It's committing to take the time necessary to build that kind of unity, chemistry, and support. It's opening our hearts to each other and finding out how we all fit together. And if AKUS is any proof, the effort is more than worth it.

(Just in case you think I'm exaggerating, here's an example of Dan, Alison and bassist Barry Bales singing, "Maybe." The kind of dissonance they achieve in their harmonies, while blending perfectly, could be an example to all singing groups...)

for His renown.

2011-08-25T09:49:00.003-04:00

I know from experience.

When God says in His Word that He is mighty to save, I can honestly say, "I know."

My God has rescued me from despair. He has delivered me from harmful patterns of thought. He has saved (and is saving) me from a long struggle with panic and anxiety. He has delivered me from all my fears over, and over, and over again. So when you hear me sing, "our God is the God Who saves," this weekend, know that I am singing from personal experience of that truth.

It is not for my deliverance alone that He rescued me. It is for others, too. Our stories spread His renown, so that all men can know, and choose to experience, that our God saves.

Today, I add to His renown. He is mighty to save, He is worthy of all my praise, and He is good. Amen.

inspirations: robert irvine.

2011-08-18T11:35:00.008-04:00

Inspiration comes from the most unexpected places sometimes. I have currently been inspired in my leadership journey by a show on the Food Network called "Restaurant: Impossible."

The premise of the show is a world-renown chef named Robert Irvine finds a restaurant that is about to go under and totally revamps it in two days with only $10,000. The whole 2-day/$10k thing is just to add drama to a one-hour show. But it's what this guy does in those two days with the people involved that inspires me so much. This guy knows how to empower people.

A major part of good leadership is the ability to look a problematic situation, figure out what's out of place, and put all the pieces where they need to be. Irvine takes a quick look at the failing restaurant's issues and makes changes--not just in the layout of the kitchen and dining room, but in the layout of the actual staff. He is able to identify people's strengths (or lack thereof) in a very short period of time and move them into the positions in which they, and the restaurant, will succeed.

Irvine does come in a bit like a caffeinated T-Rex at first and delivers some hard truths in a not-so-tactful way. In just about every episode, someone is crying from the way he's delivered the necessary information. But instead of telling them to get over it, he pulls them aside and listens. He sympathizes with how they're feeling, reaffirms them, and lets them know he's doing this for their benefit. He really is trying to save these families and their failing restaurants by giving them a fighting chance. Sometimes the process is painful, but the result is a real shot at success.

I don't condone the way he talks to people sometimes, certainly, but his ability to assess a situation and find "diamonds in the rough" is extraordinary. In one episode, he identified a woman who was actually gifted to be the head of the kitchen, but she had been working as one of the cooks for years. He affirmed her abilities and empowered her to do what she was gifted to do, and by the end of the episode, she was already blossoming in the role for which she was clearly best fit. It's the same in almost every episode, too. Irvine leaves the restaurant staff and owners feeling legitimately hopeful and optimistic about the future, when things had been so bleak two days before.

I love this show because I get to see principles of good leadership in action: assessment, delivering hard truths without fear, loving on people, and true empowerment.

Let's apply it this assessment thing. Are you in leadership? Are you frustrated because something is just not working, either with your role or with someone in your flow? Ask the Holy Spirit to help you identify the kinks. Be willing to delegate. Be willing to find that diamond in the rough. You may be the very person to empower someone else and help usher them into the role for which God has prepared them. This guy Irvine is doing it every week...imagine if we kept our eyes open the same way in our spheres of influence!

So, TV isn't ALL bad...

(And no, I'm not getting royalties from Food Network for promoting this show. I really do like the show this much. :) )

thankful ten.

2011-07-27T14:12:00.001-04:00

#224 - 245

Sara Groves' music

learning new things on the guitar, like blues scales (yes, finally)

God reminding me to not roll my eyes at myself

being reminded that God is the only One in my future (the devil doesn't belong there, and neither do my thoughts.)

the rain!!!!!!!

Trav coming home in exactly 48 hours

discovering new musical artists (currently into Sam Sparro)

growing more acquainted with the secret place

a weekend retreat to a new city with a good friend

"The Holiday"--as much as I don't like Cameron Diaz or her character's story, I so enjoy the Kate Winslet part of the movie!

finishing two novels while Trav's been away

consistently getting up early

consistently working out

practicing being still and truly being rewarded for it

being successfully dairy-free for two weeks

fresh figs

serving homemade dinners and dessert to good friends

handwritten letters

massage chairs

finding a way to have a French-toast-like treat without dairy

God's provision. He always provides when I am in need, and there are not enough numbers to recount the times He has done this for me...

resting in His Word (sometimes peacefully, and sometimes in total exhaustion...)

joy and other thoughts.

2011-07-20T15:13:00.004-04:00

I just had a couple of thoughts to share today. Some of these things I'm sure you've heard before, but I think we can all stand to be reminded from time to time. :)

-We all need people who will help us laugh when we feel like crying. I know several of us on the worship team have been saved from breaking down in tears during a worship service because we've been distracted in the nick of time by some adlibbed craziness backstage. Laughter can save us from plunging the depths.

-We also need people who will cry with us. I have a friend who literally cried with me when my beloved cat died. I can't tell you what that kind of compassion can do for one's heart in the midst of trial...shared tears are powerful stuff.

-True vulnerability is more effective than the false appearance of strength. I have found this to be true in leadership, teamwork, friendship, and even mass communication. It paves the way for others to listen, to open up themselves, and to receive.

-Look for joy today. Search for it, expect it, and rejoice when you have found it. God has it somewhere around here, just for you...

a day in the life.

2011-07-07T10:11:00.004-04:00

Travis often poses some unique get-to-know-you questions that make me think before answering. Recently he asked me, "What are some things you look forward to every day?"

I love this kind of question, because it causes me to think of a list of positive things, and that always lifts my mood! So here are some of my answers...(I'd love to hear yours, too.)

Every day, I look forward to:
-drinking coffee
-greeting and feeding my happy cat
-"puttering," as my mom would say (tidying up the kitchen and doing little chores while the coffee is brewing)
-going outside by the pool to read and journal with God
-getting myself clean and fresh for the day (a.k.a. taking a shower and putting on perfume)
-interacting with my coworkers
-emailing with different friends on the team and outside of the team
-getting to know people through deeper conversation
-texting and talking with Travis
-looking at pictures of people I love and moments I cherish
-drinking ice cold water
-drinking coffee again
-communicating with my parents
-listening to music (the mix of the day depends on my mood)
-playing piano (if I remember)
-checking Facebook
-thinking of something blog-worthy
-hearing God speak throughout the day through various means
-making plans for the next day or weekend
-getting off work
-maybe exercising...maybe...
-reading my novel (currently working on Mansfield Park for the 2nd time)
-figuring out what to make for dinner
-being with Travis
-playing with Bingley
-getting into bed and falling asleep

A lot of these are somewhat routine, I know, but blessings nonetheless. What do you look forward to each day?

sing!

2011-07-06T11:55:00.002-04:00

God loves your voice. He wants to hear what you have to say. And He wants to hear you sing. Yes, sing. And yes, I mean you.

I’ve had people tell me that they never sing because at some point in their lives, they were told they had terrible voices. Someone made a joke, and it took root into the very foundation of their self-perception. And so, they stand amid the congregation during worship, silent...as if they are doing their fellow church-goers a favor. But when we do that, we end up denying God of one of the things He loves the most—our audible worship.

In the end, I don’t think His enjoyment has anything to do with the strength, tone or pitch of our voices (or lack thereof). Rather, I think it has everything to do with the sound our hearts are making as we choose to vocally express our praise, love, and desire for God.

The vocalization matters! God says repeatedly to make our music loud and to sing. The tone deaf, the offended, and the embarrassed are not left out from these commands. Why? Because God delights in our songs. Victories over the enemy are obtained through singing praise. And we are set free more and more as we press into God through all avenues of worship.

He gave you a voice. You, specifically. He gave you a brain and a mouth and a way to express your praise through words that are wholly your own. Open your mouth and sing! He LOVES your voice. He wants YOUR praise. It is precious to Him! What you have to say, and to sing, matters to the God of the universe. Don’t keep such a gift held back from Him.

Your voice is beautiful, no matter how it sounds.

thankful nine.

2011-06-14T15:30:00.003-04:00

#199 - 223

I read a devotional recently that reminded me to think of all the things I can enjoy TODAY, in the here and now, rather than rushing ahead to the hopes and plans of tomorrow. I think this is a great reminder, whether we are longing to be in a better place than we find ourselves today, or are excited about great and glorious things coming down the road and time just won't go fast enough! So here are some things I'm thankful that I get to enjoy TODAY:

-waking up to my cheerful cat, Mr. Bingley, and giving him breakfast

-drinking fresh, hot coffee that I made at home

-doing my Bible study in the quiet of my apartment before work

-writing in a journal that a friend mailed me out of the blue last week

-talking with my mom on the phone

-listening to Alison Krauss and Union Station's live album, which my dear friends Josh and Jeanne surprised me with a while back

-texting with my boyfriend

-planning worship set lists for the weekend at two different locations

-leading worship with a few close friends this evening

-having lunch with my dad and step-mom

-playing guitar just because

-problem-solving with faithful friends and team members

-writing a letter

-offering a few small words of encouragement when they seem needed

-air-conditioning

-flip-flops

-using the hair tie on my wrist when my long hair gets frustrating halfway through the work day

-beaded flower rings from Aura Lee's :)

-wearing the necklace I got from my team

-email conversations with friends

-holding a yellow coffee cup from IKEA--with coffee in it, of course

-looking at the picture of sweet little Pippin, my kitten who was loved by many and is now, I believe, chewing on paper in Heaven and making Jesus laugh

-remembering that God is in control and that I can breathe

-crazy-bright toe nail polish

-Chinese lanterns

What are you thankful for TODAY?

thankful eight.

2011-05-31T11:20:00.003-04:00

#164 - 198

Today I have 35 reasons to be thankful. They are the 35 people who currently make up the worship team that I’m privileged to lead. This past weekend I got to spend time with many of them and noticed several things that made me realize I need to stop and thank God, right here and right now.

First, we have a new trainee named Michael who went to work early so he could leave early and get to the church by 5pm. He did that because Kathy, who was training him, found out she needed to leave early. He made sacrifices to meet her early and train, and then stayed until the end of rehearsal that night. Who does that? That’s amazing.

Our new sound trainee, Dick, handled everything on his own at rehearsal while interacting with the band, letting them know his needs, and being open to constructive encouragement. (Worship directors, take note: the ease of communication between tech and musicians makes ministry so much happier…)

Barb just started training on lights a little while ago to fill a need, and she has poured the same amount of determination and excellence into making this area her own as she has with running Song Show. It’s really incredible, and she’s always cheerful about it. The world needs more Barbs.

Then there were the musicians. Gale, our rock of tempo, is consistent in his excellence and preparation, while still being flexible and open to new ideas. Carl brings reliable and creative ideas to add freshness to the familiar. Joe is always perfecting his craft and learning new tricks, which brings our collective level of musicianship up a notch each week. Austin tackles music like science, and rarely meets a challenge he cannot conquer. Kelly is stepping out of her comfort zone to learn new techniques and to be prepared for anything that may come her way.

Kelly’s example reminds me…I think it’s the dedication to being the best they can be that makes this team so exceptional. It’s not for their own glory – it’s for God’s glory, and for the service of the team as a whole.

Gerald has only been on the team for a few months and has already proven himself able to go with the flow, as a few emergencies have come up on his weekends to play. Ryan is always moving forward as a leader and as a worshipper…Every worship team needs a Ryan Scott.

Then I went over to our other venue and watched more team members interact. The combined forces of Josh, Jeanne, Jamie, Lee, Dan and Stephen were something to behold. Stephen is another example of the commitment to being the best we can. This guy has been working on his vocal artistry with Ryan, and the work he has put into it so far has already taken him to a new level of vocal power and effectiveness. And why did he do that? Because he decided to not settle. He’s not trying for a record contract (as far as I know) – he just wants to offer his absolute best to God and to us.

One final thing I noticed…when I walked into our other venue, I noticed Woody, who was scheduled to run lights, was sitting on the front row with Lee’s little girl on his lap. Ellison had been crying because she wanted her mom to hold her, but Lee had to practice. So Woody, who had nothing to do at the moment because our lighting system was busted, took care of little Ellison by picking her up and holding her in his lap. Ellison was comforted by the grandpa-spirit in our lighting guy…how cool is that?

This is less succinct, I know, but it’s important to let these people know how amazing they are, and to let God (and you) know how grateful I am for each of them. If you've not been mentioned in this particular blog but you're on our worship team, know that I am talking about you too!! :)

I know now from experience that God can take a team of very different people and turn them into one cohesive, joyful family unit. Kind of like this one, but, you know, happier:

thankful seven.

2011-05-10T13:56:00.002-04:00

#148 - 163

a solo church service in the backyard with iPod, journal, Bible and singing birds

exploring new territory with my love

finding the nearby Starbucks in an unfamiliar city

playing a childhood game as an adult

eating lunch outside

discovering the solution to a long-suffered mystery

a well-done, God-honoring film

a promising new novel

birthday parties

lettuce wraps

coconut-chocolate cheesecake

homemade tacos

Menchie's frozen yogurt

warm summer evenings before the invasion of humidity and mosquitos

a currently unwritten song creating itself in my head

the beckoning beach...

thankful six

2011-04-20T15:21:00.002-04:00

I need to do one of these today...today I am thankful for:

#120 - 147

jump ropes

mums (flowers, not matriarchal figures)

playing wiffle ball

an unexpected few minutes with jeanne...she is always a delight.

having close friends who are good at finding the good

movie adaptations of my favorite stories (especially when they do them justice!)

fireflies

freshly bloomed honeysuckle

riding with the windows rolled down

productivity

helping create and implement something new

playing piano

waking up to my cuddly, purry cat

enjoying a quiet morning with said cat

a devotional that hits me in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time

the season of Good Friday and Resurrection Day

a Sacrifice that really does cover all my sins - past, present and future

learning what victory really looks like

a complete foot-washing

knowing I will never again be unclean

a secure future

unconditional Love

knowing what being healed feels like

wine and bread

restored relationships

reflecting on how far I've come

reflecting on how much He has done

knowing that there are more good things ahead...

thankful six: songs.

2011-04-16T21:14:00.002-04:00

#86-119: I am always thankful for music, and tonight I want to share some of the songs I'm particularly grateful for. I am leaving out MANY songs for the sake of time and space, but here are a few to whet your appetite and get you thinking about the songs you love:

The Long Defeat

Sara Groves

Ribbon in the Sky

Stevie Wonder

Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes

Paul Simon

Something So Right

Paul Simon

Romance Larghetto

Frederic Chopin

Put a Penny in the Slot

Fionn Regan

Dry Cleaner from Des Moines

Joni Mitchell

Beautiful

Kari Jobe

Made Me Glad

Miriam Webster

Do I Do

Stevie Wonder

Tidal

Imogen Heap

Night and Day

Frank Sinatra

Only Hope

Switchfoot

I Fall For You

Fleming & John

Christmas Worship Medley

Israel Houghton and New Breed

You'll Come

Brooke Fraser

Enough

Chris Tomlin

Champagne High

Sister Hazel

Regina Spektor

Waltzing Past the Grave

Jay Clifford

Dim and the Dark

Jump

The Story

Brandi Carlile

Downpour

Brandi Carlile

Dreams

Brandi Carlile

Shadow on the Wall

Brandi Carlile

Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight

Amos Lee

Maybe

Alison Krauss and Union Station

Tightrope

Janelle Monae

One Thing

Hillsong

Rescue is Coming

David Crowder Band

On the Road to Beautiful

Charlie Hall

Like a Lake

Sara Groves

Stockholm Syndrome

Muse

You are God

Gil Gatch

thoughts on worship - a video blog.

2011-04-14T15:46:00.006-04:00

Here's my first video blog...thanks for watching!

thankful five.

2011-04-13T11:56:00.002-04:00

# 70 - 85

a hawk sighting in suburbia

watching my cat try to figure out how to capture a ceiling pull chain

feeling holy passion rise up on the inside of me

Elvis the dog spinning in excitement

a special date to look forward to with my love

speaking just the right words and knowing that God has given me those words

new music to think to

watching weird and creepy children's movies from the 80s-90s

my team of beloveds

taco night

seeing God show up in the "nick of time"

singing with a hero

connecting people

having an unspoken (and forgotten) dream of my heart remembered by God

hazelnut decaf coffee

a picture that expresses my sense of humor

an unexpected gift!

2011-04-13T11:30:00.005-04:00

I have much to be thankful for... In addition to continuing my list today, I have to tell a story.

Last First Wednesday, the worship team gathered in the kitchen for our usual pre-service tech meeting. I noticed that several members who were not scheduled that night had joined us. I thought they were just there to hang out, which was exciting enough for me, but it turns out they were there to see the look on my face when they surprised me with a huge bouquet of flowers, jewelry, a gift certificate, and a card of appreciation...just because. They were all so excited just to bless me.

These people give so much every week and they do it cheerfully - every last one of them - and they wanted to appreciate me?? I am overwhelmed. I love them like my own family - my children - and now, every time I look at this trinket, I am reminded of them all...and my heart is full.

To all of you on the Seacoast Summerville Worship Team (and your spouses): thank you. I love you more than I can say!

thankful four.

2011-03-29T16:09:00.008-04:00

#51 - 69

Jane Austen (I will be eternally grateful.)

Regina Spektor

hot water on cold feet

a cardinal sighting

multi-colored leaves against a blue sky

having a day when it doesn't matter what time it is

jigsaw puzzles

a C.S. Lewis quote

the chance to encourage a friend

seeing Mr. Bingley proudly carry around a catnip mouse

game night

the promise of a good novel waiting to be read after work

problem-solving that actually works

a quick rain shower that resets the day

pictures of Ada and Tuller, my friend's miracle twins

being the sole hearer of a bird's proud morning song

working with a team of people who never take themselves too seriously

seeing tears of Godly passion on a friend's face

watching a young one figure things out

dance off.

2011-03-21T16:02:00.003-04:00

Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for Him...
Psalm 37:7

So not only am I a fixer and a do-er, but I'm also a recovering perfectionist. And let me tell you, those perfectionist tendences are fighting with everything they have as I engage in this process of learning to sit and just be. The perfectionist doesn't like the unresolved. It treats anything left undone like a cancer. "There MUST be a solution, and it MUST be discovered NOW. Inaction is sinful," it says. Hmmm, arguable. But regardless of the sin issue, God does not actually call us to inaction when He tells us to be still and wait patiently.

Hear me out: not only is there is great value in being still before the Lord, it's commanded several times in the Bible. It is not to be ignored, especially when everything in us tells us to run around frantically trying to fix things. Being still before God allows us to hear His voice and receive His strength, clarity, and overwhelming love. It's absolutely necessary to survive, as God says in Isaiah 30:15--"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..."

But being still is not the only thing instructed in Psalm 37. The other part is "wait patiently." You might think that this means to sit until things get resolved. Not a very practical plan. But actually, the original Hebrew term for "wait patiently" means a "slow dance." This is amazing to me: God invites us to be still before Him--to lay all our burdens down--and then to dance with Him.

God is offering us unbroken, beautiful partnership in the midst of the unresolved.

When someone you love does something that annoys you, or has a legitimate issue that they must deal with in their lives, do you hold them at arm's length until they get their act together? Or do you continue in relationship with them, loving them through the ups and downs of life? This is the nature of the dance that God invites us to join--a fluidity of motion, a tender partnership that moves gracefully around all the little piles of unresolved stuff.

And I find that it is through keeping up with Him in the dance that my stuff gets worked out. For me, a lot of my problems are rooted in not fully understanding or receiving His love for me. But when I'm dancing with Him, I can't really look inward so much, or else I'll trip. And the fact that He offers this kind of intimacy to me all the time, no matter what is going on, is healing me beyond what I can express.

My friend Josh says that you can't speed up your recovery; you can only slow it down. For me, slowing down my recovery as a perfectionist would mean continuing to try and fix myself. And I just simply can't do it.

I'd much rather dance.

unresolved beauty.

2011-03-08T16:34:00.003-05:00

Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for Him…
Psalm 37:7

What is it about being still before the Lord that is so difficult?

For me, it’s the fact that I hate the unresolved. Hate it. Doesn’t matter what it is – an unanswered question, a conflict I’m not sure how to solve, an area of weakness I’ve discovered in myself – if it’s unresolved, it torments me. I’m a fixer, a doer. I want answers, and I want them now. Maybe this is why I dislike brainstorming meetings so much. Too much is left open-ended! "Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it!!" I scream inside my head as the meetings drone on...

This intolerance of the unresolved used to really hinder me from enjoying being with the Lord, too. As I poured out my heart with specific issues, questions, and anxieties of the moment, I would sort of wait, hoping to hear something that would resolve everything. And very often, I wouldn’t hear a definitive answer at that moment. So I got up from those times thinking I had done something wrong. “Surely God would have answered my question if He were pleased with me,” I believed. I came away feeling more worried and condemned than I did before I sat down!

So God decided to put a stop to that, praise Him. He is now teaching me to be still before Him…and to enjoy it. It has been an irksome process, let me tell you, but one that I want to fully engage in. I want to get free.

I’m discovering a lot. Turns out He enjoys me, even with all the unresolved stuff. Turns out He’s not quite as concerned about each of my issues as I am…but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t care. Quite the opposite – the Bible is clear that God is concerned with every detail of our lives, down to the exact number of hairs on our heads, and He loves us more than we could love ourselves. And of course, He is concerned with working out the sin issues in our lives. But I think He has a different set of priorities than I do in terms of my personal growth.

This drives me crazy sometimes. To not have my questions answered when I want them is hard to deal with. But it occurs to me that if it were of utmost importance to God to answer my inquiry or solve my issue right at this moment, He would. I believe He would do whatever it took to give me an unmistakable answer if it were that important for my life. But if He’s not answering it right now, it leads me to believe that my question might not be quite as important as I think it is. And if the issue of the moment is not first on God’s agenda of things to focus on, should it really be first on mine?

If you are reading this and you are wrestling with some very serious unknowns, KEEP SEEKING. KEEP KNOCKING. Don’t give up. God loves you and He is not ignoring you. And of course, I will continue to pray about all my concerns – God definitely wants that!

But for me, it’s often the little things that hijack my mind, causing me to focus on worry after worry. I’m tired of letting those gnats ruin my time with the Lord. So instead, I am learning to ask, be still, and then listen for what it is that He wants to focus on in my life. Often this means that my questions go unanswered for a while. But learning to enjoy Him in the midst of the unresolved...well, for me, that is freedom.

So, what about being still before the Lord is difficult for you?

thankful three.

2011-03-02T12:02:00.002-05:00

As I continue building my list of observable little daily gifts from God, I'm noticing a change in my outlook. Expectation, excitement, an involuntary smile...

#33-50

a dash of cinnamon

a song that I can play over and over and I still want to dance

a mug with the face of a Disney character

singing harmony

the smell of vanilla rooibos tea

a big flower in one's hair

gray eyes

exploring unfamiliar trails

a trinket that reminds me of a friendship

black pads on white paws

shared excitement

Gerald's Tires

thirty minutes in the sunshine

realizing I'm closer to health than I once was

the man i love reaching for my hand

reconciliation

experiencing, if for only a few moments, rest on every side

a new friend.

thankful two.

2011-02-24T14:56:00.002-05:00

#16 - 32 of God-gifts...

choosing bubblegum-flavored toothpaste at the dentist

an unexpected trip to Whole Foods for breakfast

oatmeal with brown sugar and cranberries

the granola aisle

an unexpected trip across the Ravenel bridge on a sunny morning

the memory of his cologne

the hope of finding a new kitty

getting to your appointment in the nick of time despite the curse of traffic

a secret stash of dark chocolate

bluebirds

Gerbera daisies

stimulating conversations with a new friend (or with anyone)

a timely word confirmed several times

a prayer partner who always answers the call

fried green tomatoes with salmon

working on the same cup of coffee all day and having it still taste good

pulling aside for a moment to breathe in God

thankful one

2011-02-21T16:48:00.003-05:00

I read this blog by Ann Voskamp recently and thought I might give this a try. I'm not much of a photographer, so please excuse the occasional Google images and stolen treasures from Holy City Photography...

Here's #1 - 15 of little gifts from God that I celebrate today (and just fyi, coffee will probably appear in about 300 of my list of 1000):

morning light through kitchen windows

quiet moments before the sleeping loved ones awake

peaceful morning time with coffee and Bible

the sound of small-town morning traffic heard through rolled-down car windows

a scented wax burner that reminds one of Mom's house

the feeling of longing to exercise

stolen kisses in a bookstore

a guitar pick within reach

a water bottle always able to be filled with clean water

Scotch tape on hand

Keep Calm, Carry On

sounding boards in the form of trustworthy people

laughing at the ridiculous inanimate (the motion-sensor potpourri sprayer: my arch enemy)

a spooning dog

the promise of tomorrow

2011 begins.

2011-02-10T14:46:00.004-05:00

I haven't written in over a year. I don't know how many people were waiting with bated breath to see another post (besides Josh, that is), but I'm finally feeling the itch to start communicating on a grander scale again.

I entitled my only post of 2010 "Progress," and that turned out to be the theme of the whole year for me. It was a year of many changes, most of them internal. God began a tremendous work of tearing out old, faulty foundation, and replacing it with truth. He's deepened relationships I already had, while also bringing new people into my life to help me along in the process. He's provided for every step of the journey, even in moments of total darkness when I thought I'd never break through.

(He also turned a solid and true friendship into something wonderfully more...but that's all I'm going to say about that. Giggle, blush...)

So far, 2011 proves to be the continuation of that journey. From this place, right now, I can see things a bit more clearly than before, and I realize I've learned some lessons that may encourage you wherever you may be standing today:

-Most importantly, whatever you're going through, you WILL reach the other side of it. This is NOT forever. God is not going to leave you here, especially if you're crying out to Him. The enemy wants us to believe that things will never change, that we will always be this way, that there's no hope - these are all lies. God WILL get you to the other side. You WILL be victorious. Keep trusting, keep crying out, keeping walking. What you're going through matters to God, and chances are, it will matter to someone else too...

-God does not expose something in our hearts in order to condemn us. He does not reveal that we're stuck only to leave us there. He takes us from strength to strength, and He heals every wound.

-God is not going to force His way through a locked door in your heart. You are the one who invites Him into that place so that He can heal it and breathe life into the dead places again - and that really is what He wants to do.

-There is more power in openness and vulnerability than there is in maintaining a strong front. Openness dispels the power of secret fears, shame and lies trying to take hold, and vulnerability encourages more influence and trust.

-If something still hurts when it comes up in your life (a touchy subject, a relational issue, you name it), chances are God wants to heal it. You probably ought to let Him.

-God's desire for us is life, not just surviving until heaven.

-We are to be confident in Christ and in who He created us to be, not scared that we're going to screw things up.

These are just a few thoughts to get you started...stay tuned for more adventures through my mind.

progress.

2010-01-04T21:21:00.002-05:00

"We made it," my good friend said a few seconds after the ball dropped, ushering in 2010. It was a weighty statement, because a few months ago, I wasn't sure I would ever get over 2009.

When my birthday rolled around in the fall, I looked back at the previous year and was grieved. All I could see were months of sorrow and pain from a great wound that was not healing nearly as quickly as I wanted.

And yet, by Christmas--just when I thought I'd feel the pain the most--my outlook had completely changed. And now, in 2010, by the grace of God I see a bit more clearly.

I see character developed.

I see relationships strengthened.

I see a future developing.

I see a heart healed.

And I rejoice. I rejoice that He has delivered me from all my fears. I rejoice that He has broadened the path beneath me. I rejoice that He has trained my hands for future battles, even while in the midst of fighting one. I rejoice that I learned how God arms me with strength by coming to the end of my own.

The pain had a purpose, I guess.

"For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God?" (Psalm 18:31)

There is no God besides the Lord--no friend, no medicine, no escape. He is all, and He is enough.

And now, I move forward.

brutus.

2009-10-22T13:48:00.006-04:00

I have an "Everyday Shakespeare" pull-a-page calendar on my desk.

Don't judge me.

This week, there was a quote from Julius Caesar that really struck me. Ligarius is talking to Brutus and says,
"Set on your foot,
And with a heart new-fired I follow you,
To do I know not what. But it sufficeth
That Brutus leads me on."

It got me thinking...

As a leader, it is really quite something to hear a person of sound mind say that they'll follow you anywhere. What a declaration of trust! And while we should be honored by the sentiment, we as leaders have to continually remember (and admit) that we're human. If I'm totally honest, following me blindly probably isn't the best idea. There's a good chance I'm going to lead people right into stupid things sometimes if they aren't careful to keep me in check.

Really, the only person we should follow that "blindly" is Jesus.

It reminded me of Barak and Deborah in Judges 4...Deborah tells Barak that he should go fight in a certain battle because God is going to give him victory. But Barak basically says, "Uh, yeah, that's great, but if you're not going, I'm not going either." He trusted Deborah's leadership and relationship with God more than his own at that point, when God had specifically called Barak! And because of his preference to follow Deborah rather than God, he forfeited getting the victory in the battle.

At no point do I want my team to follow me above following Jesus. While I pray that I will always lead in such a way that they'll never have to choose between me and God, you never know. As I said, I'm human. The best I can do is equip them to follow God on their own, no matter what. And I think that should be the desire of our hearts as leaders--that our followers may say to God (rather than just us): "Set on your foot, and with a heart new-fired I follow You, to do I know not what. But it sufficeth that Jesus leads me on..."

release.

2009-09-10T16:11:00.002-04:00

I have been pondering lately about our inherent struggle with the issue of forgiveness when we've been wronged. There are a myriad of excuses we can use to try exempt ourselves from this command of God, but I think one of the most deceptive ones is, "I'm just waiting for that person to apologize."

And here's what I know about that.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with an apology.

I think we want apologies because they make us feel like we could forgive more easily. But as we can’t control the other person’s heart or actions, we can’t guarantee that we’ll ever receive an acknowledgement of the wrong that’s been done. And if we wait to feel like forgiving, we will probably never obey.

Examples: Jesus forgave the men who crucified Him while they were committing the act. On a more personal level, Romans 5:8 says, “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us”(emphasis mine). He forgave us before we even thought to ask for it.

So, the idea of waiting for someone to apologize before we choose to forgive is bogus. The person you’re thinking of may never fully realize the extent of the damage they’ve done. They simply may never apologize. But that does not release you from your responsibility to forgive.

Now, if forgiveness has nothing to do with an apology, then that means...

Healing has nothing to do with an apology.

Consider it on a practical level for a minute. Let’s say the person does apologize. Will that undo what’s been done? Will that erase the pain you’ve suffered, or the consequences of their actions? While it may make it easier for you to feel like forgiving, it does not undo the damage.

The healing is in the forgiveness, not in the apology.

Personal story…I experienced something in college that left me broken-hearted, confused, and angry. I had been extremely hurt by someone, and he was not owning up to it.

That began a very long process of forgiveness and healing that was completely separate from guy involved. God had to take me through a journey of releasing the pain through totally forgiving the act, in order that I might receive His healing. No apology could fix this. No amount of repentance could undo the damage. I had no inherent ability to heal myself. This was God’s work alone, and it took a long time for me to be willing to accept that.

However, once I did truly forgive him (and I clearly remember that moment), the freedom came. Again, this had nothing to do with the guy involved. This was solely me and God working things out, and it took years before all the pieces were put back together.

Years later, after a random series of events, I received the apology I had desired so long ago. And instead of it being something I needed for closure, it actually came as more of a gift from God to bless an already healed heart.

God is capable of restoring the most broken of hearts. He alone is the One with the balm. No words can justify, no human acknowledgement can heal. It's Him, and Him alone, and He is able.

Forgive the person. I know for certain that God will take care of everything else.

guest.

2009-08-31T12:22:00.003-04:00

I guest-wrote on my friend Shawn Wood's blog a while back...thought I should add it here, too.

"Give ME Back MY Jeans and Be a Man: A Single Girl's Perspective.

Stop making excuses and be honest.

Lately, I’ve noticed a disheartening lack of willingness to be honest about what’s really going on in a relationship. I see it when a guy’s got a serious problem and needs help, but is unwilling to ask for it. I see it when a guy suddenly changes his behavior toward his friends because of an offense and then act as if nothing odd has happened. I see it when a guy really wants to break up with his girlfriend, but “doesn’t want to hurt her.”

(Disclaimer: I am very well aware that this happens in both guys and girls, but as Shawn asked me to write this about guys, you males will receive the brunt of what I have to say. Sorry.)
Here’s the thing. The problem is not that you have an issue, or that you want to break up, or that you’re hurt by something someone said. The problem is that you’re not owning up to it. And so it seems that you either become passive-aggressive, or you start making excuses.

The truth is, both of these options will potentially destroy the relationship you’re trying to preserve.

By acting or speaking indirectly in order to avoid conflict, you actually create it. By avoiding an honest conversation that may cause pain, you actually increase the pain we end up dealing with when the truth finally comes out…and it will come out. And we girls can get very confused when things change suddenly with no explanation. Don’t leave us to “fill in the blanks” on our own; that never goes well.

Just tell us what’s up—most of us can handle it, especially if we’re walking with the Lord. You might be surprised at how many of us are willing to work through conflict in order to save a friendship.

And I just need to get this off my chest…If you are in a dating relationship that you want to get out of, do not –I repeat, DO NOT—use God as an excuse. Perhaps you’ve heard the line, “I just need to focus on God for a while.” News flash—God is supposed to be the center of your life ALL THE TIME. Focusing on Him is not a seasonal thing; it’s a lifestyle. And it’s not what you really mean, anyway. Saying that you need space because you “want to focus on God” is just a really nice way of saying, “I want to break up with you, but I don’t want to own up to it. And maybe, if I use God as an excuse, I won’t have to handle the consequences of hurting you.”

You’re probably wondering if I’ve heard this line in past dating experiences. Yes, I have. And it nearly destroyed my desire to love again. But I’m not going to lie—I’ve also used it myself. And it’s total bunk.

How about we just leave God out of it?

Don’t misunderstand me—I am a devoted follower of Christ. I adore Him. I want to go wherever He leads and do as He guides. However, I am not a robot. The decisions I make are my own, and I must be willing to accept the consequences of those decisions, good or bad. Saying “God told me to” is just an attempt to avoid those consequences.

(And think about how that could come across to the other person, by the way. It could very possibly lead to them thinking, “I’m in love with this person, but God obviously doesn’t want them to be with me…God must be against me.” Oh, the problems therein…)

Guys, if you’ve decided you don’t want to continue dating the girl you’re with, own up to it. Don’t get shifty and start avoiding her. Don’t be shady and make excuses. Be honest. She may hate you for a minute, but she’ll appreciate you later for not leading her on.

The point is this: Guys, you honor us by telling us the truth in love – even if we don’t act “honored” at first. You show more value and respect for us and for the relationship by addressing the issues squarely than by avoiding them to “save” us from hurting.

So step up. Be a leader of integrity in the relationship—be it friendship or other.

Be honest. Be a man."

rust.

2009-08-28T18:06:00.000-04:00

I have a shower caddy in my bathroom. It’s pretty and silver and shiny…at least, it was. Pretty soon after I bought it, the thing began to rust. (This is normal for me, by the way—I’m not sure I’ve ever had a shower caddy that didn’t deconstruct rather quickly. And I call that a fundamental flaw.) I noticed it right away. I realized I needed to take my Herbal Essences shampoo and St. Ives body wash off of the top rack, go buy an S.O.S. pad, and do a little scrubbing. That’s all—an hour of my time—and the rust would be gone.

But I could think of at least 20 other things I’d rather do in that hour. So I did one of those things instead. And not surprisingly, the rust got worse and worse. Today, I noticed that about a third of the bottom rack is covered in orange. It’s happened so gradually that I almost got used to it looking that way. But pretty soon, if I don’t take care of it, I’ll have to throw it away and get a new one. Again.

It actually reminded me of some situations in my life where I’ve noticed some rust…a growing tendency to procrastinate, an aversion of exercise, a sudden “weirdness” in a close relationship. And when I notice the “rust,” I have a choice: I can either take an S.O.S. pad and scrub the thing (change my attitude or confront the relational problem) or I can ignore it and just stand back as the situation deteriorates.

If I choose the latter, however, the thing will soon become like my rusted-out, useless shower caddy, which is more likely to cause tetanus than bring any good to the world.

I wonder if I’m the only one…

Sometimes I look around and I see relational carnage—people leaving jobs because of friendships gone sour, breakups over conflict that was never resolved, people just not talking to each other…and they don’t even know why…and I wonder: if the root issue had been addressed early on, in honesty and love, as soon as the rust began to grow, could the relationship have been saved?

If I had dealt with my shower caddy early on, it could still be usable now. Are we willing to deal with the rust in our lives as soon as it appears? Our relationships depend on it...

girls.

2009-05-19T14:24:00.004-04:00

Something stood out to me when I listened to Geoff’s message this past weekend. When he said that women need to feel loved, beautiful, valuable and safe, my first thought was, “Are the men treating us like that?” But the next (and more persistent) thought was, “Do I treat the women in my life like that?”

Sometimes we cast the entire responsibility onto men for making sure we’re being treated the right way. But I see just as much damage coming from women toward other women as I do from men! You ladies know what I’m talking about. We get competitive and catty. We get jealous and judgmental. We gossip and tear down, and if we’re on the receiving end of such treatment, we walk away feeling unloved, ugly, unvalued, and in danger of receiving even more pain from each other. I think this is a major reason a lot of us avoid women-oriented groups or events...

(By the way, if you have trouble thinking of an example of this in your life, just try to remember what it was like to be a girl in the 7th grade—that ought to bring up a shudder-worthy mental picture. We tend to start early, don’t we?)

What I realized is that I, too, have the responsibility to treat the women in my life as loved, beautiful, valuable and safe—no matter who they are. And in terms of godly character, we can’t expect the men to do what we’re not doing ourselves. Let’s step up and be the women God created us to be…and let’s start with how we treat each other.

delight.

2009-05-07T17:06:00.003-04:00

There are a few sounds I delight in lately...

my favorite two-year-old clapping his hands and saying, "Yay Sarah!" when the band finishes the service
my band doing an impromptu jam - just because they can
this baby's laugh
the intro of AKUS' Choctaw Hayride...oh yeah.
my phone beeping with a new text message
calling a loved one who's suffered from unemployment for almost a year and finally hearing them say, "I can't talk right now - I'm still at work."

risky.

2009-03-30T15:35:00.011-04:00

Loving a person just the way they are, that’s no small thing
Takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we’re waiting
We need grace either way...
Hold onto me, and I’ll hold onto you
Let’s find out the beauty of seeing things through…

-Sara Groves, “Loving a Person”

Sometimes getting hurt makes you question what love is supposed to look like. It makes you wonder whether it’s really worth the good possibility of getting hurt. And really, those answers can only be found when you look at some examples of real love. Here’s what I discovered about love when I considered a few of the precious people God has placed in my life…

Love is when someone looks me in the eye and says, “Sarah, whatever decision you make, we’ll get through it together.” In that moment, they are committing to walking through the mess and dirt of life with me –even if I make the wrong decision and bring consequences on myself. They are not going to let me figure this out alone.

Love is when someone lets me completely freak out for a moment (or a day, or a week, or longer…), and in the next moment acts as if nothing odd has happened.

Love is patient. It’s a commitment to the time it will take to “see things through.” Going a step further, it’s a commitment to let a person become all that God plans for them to be – in His timing, not yours – and to love them through the process.

Once upon a time, I thought loving a person would be easy. I figured it would just come naturally. Now, in my less-naïve years, I’m finding that love takes time, work, and risk – more risk than I was prepared for. And it doesn’t come naturally at all – at least, not with some people, in some situations. It’s not clean and simple. It’s not convenient. And it’s certainly not pain-free. I didn’t expect that.

I suppose we could just choose to forego the whole thing to avoid getting hurt…I mean, let’s face it – getting hurt really, really stinks. It can leave scars and take what feels like an eternity to get over. But if we aren’t willing to take the risk of committing, investing and putting ourselves out there, we won’t ever get to experience real love. And what do we gain by protecting ourselves to such a degree, anyway? Are we not created to be filled up and poured out again? Are we not meant to live lives of passion and purpose? Are we not designed to further the kingdom of God?

Can we accomplish any of this without love?

Physically speaking, our hearts are meant to pulse and work and strain to keep the body alive. It's the same with the Body of Christ...it can only survive when we exercise the strength of our hearts in loving one another.

walk.

2009-02-23T16:33:00.001-05:00

“For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life…” Matthew 7:14 (ESV)

The way is hard. I seem to forget that concept pretty frequently, judging by my utter shock when things don’t seem to work out the way I’d like right away – especially when I know I’ve made the right choice, that I’ve taken a step in the right direction.

I wish things could be easier on this journey toward Home. Clearer, cleaner…but often times, they aren’t. Sometimes I move forward, knowing what God has called me to do in a particular situation, and things don’t get any clearer. Sometimes they get more confusing. And all I can do is just trust that God is good, and that what He has said is true, and…well, that’s pretty much it.

And as I look at some examples in the Bible, I see that things never worked all out that easily. They worked out, yes, but there were always obstacles – things that people like Abraham, Moses, Joseph, David, Esther, and countless others didn’t expect. Some things that were their fault, but a lot of things that weren’t. And there were waiting periods. Long waiting periods – decades, for some – where these heroes of our faith were walking in the dark. They didn’t know what was going to happen. They didn’t know how things were going to turn out. They just knew they had to keep moving forward, step by step, and hold onto the only thing they knew – that God was faithful.

And He was. And He is.

My own journey these days feels more like this: baby step by baby step…then take another small step…now pause and wait for a minute, ask some questions, wrestle with what I know to be true…then take another small step...

Some days it feels like I’m not getting anywhere. However, a wise person told me once that sometimes God only illuminates the next step – not twenty steps down the road, not even three. Just the very next step. And you take it, and then He shows the next one, and so on. That’s tough, because I want to know where things are going now. But I trust that what He says is true. He says the way is hard – and I am experiencing that – but it leads to life.

My encouragement to you, fellow sojourner, is this: Don’t lose heart. Even if you find yourself stopped on the road for a minute, don’t give up. Even if you feel completely in the dark, even though you know you’re on the right path, He has not led you astray. Cry out if you need to. Grope around in the dark for a minute…and find His hands…and take another baby step forward. He is leading us to life.

smile.

2009-02-17T14:08:00.002-05:00

happiness is...

a chocolate coke from Guerin's Pharmacy
a playlist including Jay Clifford, Brandi Carlile, John Mayer Trio and Robert Randolph & the Family Band
a improv show or rehearsal that brightens your entire day
watching "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank" for the umpteenth time and quoting every word
"just sitting" in a park
a day at the farm with shotguns, skeet, and bakies
an impromptu 8-minute band jam on a B-chord
an iced coffee in the morning
a fresh pumpkin scone with a double-shot of espresso in the afternoon
a text message conversation worth keeping
spending time with an amiable toddler
making a not-so-amiable toddler smile
making a not-so-amiable grown person smile
knowing where "home" is and going there as often as you can
knowing who "home" is and being with them as often as you can
finding out that you're "home" for someone else
memorizing a song or poem with many words
finding someone who actually enjoys listening to you quote aforementioned song or poem
being understood
making someone laugh without really meaning to
a wedding with your dearest friends in the world
looking back at a period of time and marvelling at the work of redemption

these are just some things that make my life amazing to me.

bread.

2009-01-13T16:46:00.003-05:00

Today, my reading led me to Deuteronomy 8...

Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land that the LORD promised on oath to your forefathers. Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.
Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.
When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you. You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today...

Several things I noticed:
1. God disciplines us as a father disciplines his child - meaning He does not torture us (notice the lack of feet-swelling and clothes wearing out during 40 years in the desert -rather miraculous if you ask me), but rather corrects us so that it will go well with us. His actions are completely driven by love for us, even if it hurts sometimes.
2. We live - truly live - on every word that comes from God's mouth. His words are life itself. I'm not completely sure how that works just yet, but I will get back to you.
3. God is bringing us into a good land...

thegloriousalmost.

2009-01-12T16:54:00.002-05:00

I read this a few weeks ago, and it's resounded in my heart ever since. I pray it's an encouragement to you in the coming days...the day is almost here.

Romans 13:8-14 -
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
And do this, understanding the present time. The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

impression.

2009-01-06T09:32:00.001-05:00

Matthew 7:1 – “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.”

Some of my deepest friendships started out with bad first impressions. I can think of at least 3 different people who I judged negatively by their behavior right off the bat, only to discover some time later what incredible human beings they really are. Fortunately for me, they gave me another chance…

Here’s the thing about judging others – it does absolutely no good. It hurts our relationships. It causes us to think more highly of ourselves than we ought to. And for some reason, it makes us think we know enough to determine a person’s intrinsic value. This is all very faulty.

I may think I know what a person’s thinking when they act in a way that bothers me, but I don’t. Most times, I don’t have any understanding of where a person is truly coming from, what they’re really dealing with, what has happened in their past to make them react the way they do…all I have to go on is what’s on the outside. And while what’s on the outside often irks me, I will never be in the right to judge them for it. I certainly wouldn’t want to be judged based on my own outward appearance, because a lot of times that’s just a front to hide what I’m really feeling.

We have never been granted the responsibility to judge anyone, nor will we ever. And I thank God for that. How could I possibly be a just judge when I have no idea what’s in a person’s heart? But thanks be to God, the responsibility is His alone, and He knows everything about us. Only He can judge fairly. And if He sees fit to accept me into His family, knowing all I’ve done and thought and said in my few years on this earth, then who am I to say someone else shouldn’t be shown the same mercy?

When we put ourselves in the position to judge, we jeopardize the opportunity to develop meaningful relationships with the people around us. Is it worth it?

pause.

2008-12-22T14:17:00.001-05:00

I love Christmas. I really do. But if you’re anything like me, you’ve realized recently that this season is completely blowing past you and you are so busy, you can barely keep your head on straight.

It’s a shame, because there’s a message that we would all benefit to pause and remember, even if you know the story of Jesus’ birth like the back of your hand. Just take a look at the hymn below…I realized recently how poignant these words are for where we are today. I invite you to pause for a moment, reflect on the lyrics, and just rest in the peace of God – if only for a moment. Blessings to you…

"It came upon the midnight clear,
That glorious song of old,
From angels bending near the earth,
To touch their harps of gold;
“Peace on the earth, good will to men,
From Heaven’s all gracious King.
The world in solemn stillness lay,
To hear the angels sing.

Still through the cloven skies they come
With peaceful wings unfurled,
And still their heavenly music floats
O’er all the weary world;
Above its sad and lowly plains
They bend on hovering wing,
And ever o’er its Babel-sounds
The blessed angels sing.

Yet with the woes of sin and strife
The world has suffered long;
Beneath the heavenly strain have rolled
Two thousand years of wrong;
And man, at war with man, hears not
The tidings which they bring;
O hush the noise, ye men of strife,
And hear the angels sing!

O ye, beneath life’s crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow,
Look now! for glad and golden hours
Come swiftly on the wing;
O rest beside the weary road
And hear the angels sing!

For lo! the days are hastening on,
By prophets seen of old,
When with the ever-circling years
Shall come the time foretold,
When peace shall over all the earth
Its ancient splendors fling,
And the whole world give back the song
Which now the angels sing."

trust.

2008-12-16T15:18:00.000-05:00

A girl in my small group shared recently how she’s learning to trust God in difficult situations despite what she feels. She made an interesting point: “If it feels comfortable and easy, I’m probably not trusting Him like I should.”

Let’s face it – trust is not comfortable. It’s not something I ever really feel like doing.

In fact, trust often times works against our emotions as we seek to take God at His word. When less-than-favorable circumstances affect our lives, our flesh is tempted to respond in fear, anxiety, or anger. We freak out, look around, freak out some more... That’s actually the easy way to respond – freaking out just comes so naturally. (Or is that just the case with me? Um…)

But trust is the more difficult choice. Trust says that God is still on His throne, no matter what I’m seeing in the world around me, and that God is for me, no matter what I feel. It’s not a foolish way of thinking – it’s the right way, the tried-and-tested way, the way of hope. The foolish thing would be to leave it up to our emotions to guide us through the rough waters that we will inevitably encounter.

Another friend recently told me that she lost her full-time job, has had a lot of trouble finding another one, and needs a new place to live… but instead of giving into fear, she has learned to rest in the Lord’s provision. And in the midst of all her hardships, she has seen God provide for her again and again…and again…in the most random ways.

It was the peace on my friend’s face as she recounted her situation that spoke to my heart the most. That peace is what I long for. It’s what everyone longs for, more than the job or the house or the retirement fund. It’s the peace of complete trust.

When I get overwhelmed by the struggles of life, sometimes I freak out – so did Peter, when he took his eyes off Jesus, saw the waves, and started to sink. But does my emotional response negate the reality of God’s existence, His power, or His willingness to save? Not in the least! In fact, my hope is found in the reality that God does not change despite my lack of faith – “if we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself” (2 Timothy 2:13).

I would just rather save myself from the pain of not trusting my God, and instead receive His peace to guide me through these waters.

truth.

2008-11-25T12:18:00.009-05:00

“Imagine how rich your life can be if you let a fear of failure go!”

This encouragement was spoken to me recently regarding an upcoming audition and the accompanying fear that I might not pass it. But these words sank deep into me and got me to think about just how much my fear of failure keeps me from. It goes far beyond trying out for plays or acting troupes, writing songs or speaking in front of crowds. Those things are challenging, yes. But the fear of failure affects my relationships as well, and that’s where the real tragedy occurs.

1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

Well shoot, I want to be made perfect in love! And the thing is – I have been! God has made me perfect and holy, regardless of how I feel on my bad days. And if God (perfect Love) is with me, and He is indeed with me, then there should be no fear. So what’s holding me back?

The big issue here is faith. Do I believe what God has said? Do I believe that God is perfect love? Obviously, no matter what I believe, the truth of Scripture doesn’t change. However, what I believe directly influences the way I live my life, and this is where the problem lies. As my dear friend recently wrote, “Fear is completely unacceptable for Christians.” Harsh words, but totally true if we really believe what the Word says. And yet, that pesky voice keeps yelling at me…

What is it that my fear of failure is really saying to me? It’s saying that if I don’t make this audition, that must mean I’m not good enough. If I deliver a talk and I feel it goes poorly, that must mean I’m not cut out for this. I take a chance and love deeply, and then something goes wrong, that must mean all humanity is evil or perhaps real love is a sham.

Are any of those “must means” true? Nope.

What is true? If I fail at something, God’s opinion of me does not change. If I fall short of a goal, He loves me just as much. In fact, I think God uses the failures in our lives just as much as the victories to develop our character and strengthen our faith. So I think I can safely let go of this fear of not measuring up, because there’s really no way for me to not measure up in God’s eyes.

And that’s Who we’re living for, right?

So if I were to really trust Perfect Love and let go of this fear of failure, what would that free me up to do? Well, I think I could actually fulfill Colossians 3:12-14:

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

If I were free of fear, I could truly show compassion and kindness to everyone I meet. I could be gentle in all situations, without fear that I’ll get walked over. I could be patient, without fear that I won’t get whatever it is my heart is longing for. I could forgive completely, without fear that justice won’t be done. And I could love – really, truly, deeply love – without fear that I’ll end up broken-hearted.

In short, freedom from fear enables me to live like Christ commands.

Perfect love casts out all fear, and we are holy and dearly loved. Let’s try living like it.

surrendering.

2008-11-09T19:02:00.004-05:00

“I don’t know that many people who are completely and totally surrendered to God. I mean, not just today, but throughout history – there just aren’t that many people. Which leads me to think it’s just not possible.”

I had to admit that I didn’t know that many people either…actually, I don’t know any who are surrendered to God 100 percent of the time. I’m pretty sure those people are in heaven right now. We all have sin issues to struggle with until the day we’re done. There’s a bit of comfort in that, I think.

“The thing is,” I said, “it’s a daily kind of surrender. I wake up and I surrender my life to God, and then I do it again the next day, and the next…sometimes even moment by moment. It’s a constant choice.”

“So you’re telling me,” he said incredulously, taking another bite of the funnel cake between us, “that you are willing to totally surrender yourself every day to God, even though He lets bad stuff happen, even in your life?”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

“Because I know me. And I know the mistakes I’ve made when I’ve ignored Him and tried it my way, and how much pain I’ve caused myself, and how much I would have avoided had I just listened to Him.”

“What if He asked you to give up the one thing you loved most in the world. Would you do it?”

I had to pause. Would I? Have I? I took an instantaneous, honest appraisal of my life. At the time, I was working through the issue of finances…was I willing to completely surrender that? Or what if, in the future, He asked me to give up a relationship that I loved? I suddenly remembered that torturous feeling I get when I’m grappling with obedience, and how long it has taken me in years past to be willing to give up or do things He’s clearly called me to in total trust. I remembered times of agonizing and fighting until I finally threw up my hands in surrender…and later reaped a harvest.

Ultimately, yes, I would do it. I would surrender whatever He asked, however long it took me to do it. Because to ignore His call (i.e. to disobey) would mean to forego His best. And I know that whatever He asks me to give up, He is going to replace with something infinitely better.

That's the way He is.

Psalm 37:4-6
Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

cloud.

2008-11-04T17:02:00.001-05:00

One of my favorite Bible stories is in 1 Kings, chapter 18. No kidding.

Here’s what’s happening. There’s this prophet named Elijah who has been involved in some of the greatest displays of God’s power that Israel has seen since the days of Moses and Joshua. In this particular story, Israel has been in a drought for a few years – another display of power God enacted through Elijah – and one day Elijah told the king to prepare for a heavy rain. So Elijah goes up to this mountain to pray, I guess, and he tells his servant to “go and look toward the sea.”
The servant goes, comes back and says, “There’s nothing there.”
Elijah tells him to go back and check again.
Servant comes back, says the same thing.
This happens 8 times. Finally, the servant comes back to Elijah and says, “A cloud as small as a man’s hand is rising from the sea.”
Well, Elijah takes that as the sign that God is sending rain, and he runs (faster than a horse and chariot) all the way back before the storm hits.

Kind of a random story, at first glance. However, I think it’s pretty timely…

Note that the servant told Elijah he saw a cloud “as small as a man’s hand.” That’s a pretty small cloud! I wonder if the guy would have noticed that cloud if it had been there the first time he went to the sea…or would it rather have blended into the landscape?

Maybe seeing nothing at all so many times in a row made the servant more perceptive of the first sign, small as it was, that a storm was finally coming.

Here’s the application:
Have you ever needed God to move on your behalf, but for the longest time nothing seemed to happen?
Maybe God, Who is always at work on our behalf, gives us seasons where nothing seems to happen so that when He does start to move visibly, we’re able to notice it from the first moment. Maybe He uses those periods of no activity to heighten our awareness of what He’s really doing, so that we can actively take part in that journey with Him from start to finish.

So where are you right now? If you’re experiencing that season of drought, keep in mind that God hears your prayers, and He is on the move whether you see it or not. Maybe He wants to use this time to sharpen your senses for when He takes visible action…And the next thing you know, after a drought you thought would never end, you find yourself in the middle of a downpour.

sozo.

2008-11-04T16:40:00.002-05:00

Our God is in the business of healing. In the Old Testament, the original Hebrew word for “heal” was “rapa” – “to heal; to be healed, be cured; to repair, to recover, see that is completely healed, wholesome, makes fresh.” In other words, it meant literal, physical healing.

As soon as we get into the New Testament, however, the word used for “heal” changes. When Jesus enters the scene, the term “rapa,” with its literal connotation, is replaced by “therapeuo” or “sozo.” Why is that?

Let’s take a deeper look at this word sozo. The NIV Strongest Exhaustive Concordance defines sozo by the following words: “to save, rescue, deliver; to heal; to be in right relationship with God, with the implication that the condition before salvation was one of grave danger or distress; bring safely, cured, delivered, get better, made well, survive.”

Jesus came to heal us, but in a much greater sense than the purely physical. First and foremost, He came to heal our relationship with God, which we never could have done on our own. He rescued us from eternal separation from our Father. And as if that weren't enough, He offers us healing in every area of our lives. No matter what has happened to us or what we've done in the past, His love offers complete healing and restoration, and through that healing He gives us the free gift of abundant life. That is the essence of sozo.

The interesting thing about sozo is that almost every time it’s used in the New Testament, it’s related somehow to faith of the person in question. For instance, Jesus tells Jairus, the man who has come seeking Him on behalf of his dying daughter, to "just believe and she will be healed [sozo]" (Luke 8:50). When the woman with the issue of blood touches Jesus’ cloak, she thinks to herself, “If I just touch His clothes, I will be healed [sozo]” (Matthew 5:23). And in response, Jesus says, “Your faith has healed [sozo] you” (Matthew 5:24). It’s almost as if He is saying, “Your faith has caused you to be honest about what's going on in your life, and your belief that I am Who I say I am has allowed Me to truly heal the deepest places of your heart. Your faith has put you in right relationship with Me."

So it would seem that this sozo is directly tied to our faith. It’s our faith that makes sozo possible in our lives. Yes, God can do whatever He wants and heal however He wants to, whether we realize He’s doing it or not. Our temporary lack of faith does not decrease His power. However, our faith and belief in Him certainly helps in our ability to receive true healing. The more authentic we are about our need for Him, the more open we will be to receiving His help.
I think it comes down to a choice. Will we believe God to be God in our lives? Will we trust Him enough to open ourselves up and be real about what's going on with us? We are all in desperate need of sozo... Do we have the faith to admit it?

kazoo.

2008-09-03T14:57:00.002-04:00

Summerville won the "Campus of the Week" award, via a Fedex from Long Point this morning. And so, we celebrated...

rockstar.

2008-08-28T13:41:00.002-04:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about humility since Greg's message last week (about how we all want to be rockstars). And at first I thought I was doing okay in that area…until someone committed one of my pet peeves.

We’ve all got pet peeves, right? I’ve got more than a few. I get irritated at things that beep incessantly, dogs that jump on me, babies that fuss during weddings, people who take my parking spot...

That’s right – my parking spot. I used to live in a house with a couple of roommates, and we were given three parking spots. However, someone else, who didn’t live there, would often take my parking spot. And it infuriated me – after all, I’m the one paying the rent, right? I’m the one who lives there, who has a lot to bring in from her car at night, and somebody else is parking in my spot! It’s just not right.

I really got angry about this, I’m not gonna lie. But then I started wondering why I was so mad. Was it really about the parking spot? Or was it about something else, something bigger than that?

There’s a passage from C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity that’s been rolling around in my head ever since I started thinking about this. Listen to this: “If you want to find out how proud you are the easiest way is to ask yourself, 'How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take any notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronize me, or show off?’”

My answer to each of those questions is, “I hate it.”

Why do I hate it? Because I feel I deserve better treatment. I deserve to be noticed. I deserve to have that parking spot. I, I, I, I…uh-oh.

Here’s why humility is so hard for me. If I am able to choose to be humble – for instance, if I drive up to my house, see an empty parking spot nearby, but decide to take one further away so that my neighbor can have the closer spot – then I’m fine. It’s cool – I’m in control, and I have made that choice.

If, however, the path of humility is chosen for me, which is more often the case, then I have a problem. I am left to only react – I have no control. And I don’t like not being in control.

But humility should flow through our actions and our reactions. Look at Philippians 2:5-11:

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

Jesus didn’t reach for power. He didn’t strive for attention. He just was who He was. He loved people. He healed people. He often gave up rest and food to minister to the lost and hurting. And even when people mistook Him for a mere man, He accepted it. He was obedient to the mission, even to death. He acted humbly, and He reacted humbly.

And then God glorified Him.

This whole thing about being noticed and getting ahead and all that – it’s all striving for nothing. God lowers, and God elevates. He just asks us to trust Him to do it in His timing, and to love others as ourselves in the meantime. To keep His mission in mind above all else. It’s a matter of focus, really.

C.S. Lewis concluded his thoughts on pride by saying that the truly humble man “will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.”

Hmmm...Seems the parking spot is the least of my issues. How about you?

instinct.

2008-08-23T12:11:00.005-04:00

In Genesis 15:5, God makes a huge promise to Abram. He tells him that his descendants will be as numerous as the stars in the sky. For a guy who had no children and was well-advanced in years, that's a pretty mind-stretching statement to make. I read ahead, expecting Abram to ask some pertinent questions to clarify how this was going to happen.

Abram actually said nothing in response. He simply "believed the Lord." It was an automatic heart-response that said, "Whatever You say is true, no matter how crazy it may seem to me. I believe You." No questions, no doubt, just silent belief.

Shouldn't that be my response to God all the time? An instinctive "amen," knowing that His words will come to pass? Instead, I read things in the Bible that seem too good to be true, and some that seem a bit harsh, and I think to myself, "Can that be? Really? Hmmm."

These are the very words of God. Where is there room for questioning? For doubt? Does He not follow through on everything He says? I have known Him long enough to understand that even if certain things haven't yet come to pass, they certainly will. He will do exactly as He says.

2 Cor. 1:20 - "For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ. And so through Him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God..."

shorts.

2008-03-28T11:13:00.006-04:00

I'm currently doing a Beth Moore Bible study with my small group called "Believing God," and it's just fantastic. This week's homework has us going through the first 15 or so years of our lives and remembering different "GodStops" along the way. Everybody in our group comes from such different backgrounds that it can't help but make for interesting (and powerful) group discussion...
Anyway, today I had to think through ages 10-15 in my life, which wasn't necessarily pleasant at first because that meant middle school and a lot of uncomfortable memories. But then I remembered something that happened in 7th grade, which I will share with you starting...NOW.

Once upon a time in the 7th grade, I went to a private school. This particular school had some very nice staff and some very not-so-nice students...but I suppose that is the case in just about every middle school. This school also had a rule that no one, except for kindergartners, could wear shorts.

Now, this school is in Charleston, SC. And come about mid-March, the temperature can rise to about 90 degrees or so mid-day. AND they had a rule that we had to go outside for recess every day. So you can imagine the misery for all of us, 1st grade and up, during April and May. You may be saying to yourself, "Why didn't the girls wear skirts?" Well, I was rather tomboyish in style those days and would rather have boiled in the sun than wear a skirt...

So I decided to investigate the history of this ridiculous rule. After I found out that it had been established on faulty (in my opinion) logic, I decided to do what I could to remedy this situation. In other words, I decided to become an activist for students' rights. After talking it over with my parents, my mom showed me how to write a petition and suggested that I get my fellow students, who joined me in my complaints, to sign it. So I drafted a petition for the teachers to allow us to wear shorts during the hot spring and summer months, while agreeing that we would keep them at a modest length at all times.

One fateful day (I think it was a Thursday), I took my petition to school. I decided not to show any teachers what I was doing until after I had obtained a sufficient number of signatures. I didn't want them to stop the democratic process before we had the chance to be heard. So I went around between classes and during recess, and the number of signatures grew.

However, a few girls, who had been excited to add their names at first, suddenly feared that I was being subversive and was going to get them all in trouble. One by one, they tried to talk me out of showing anyone the petition. One girl in particular snatched the petition out of my hand and scratched her name off the list, tearing the paper in the process. Very upsetting.

Finally, after realizing they weren't going to stop me, one of them went and told the teacher. I may as well have been throwing a coup d'etat by all the fuss being made. I was so upset by this Judas-like betrayal that I ran to the bathroom in tears. Several friends came to comfort me, saying I was doing a great thing - "Don't give up!" they said. But it was too late - the authorities took over.

My teacher, Mrs. Dickerson, made me stand in the hallway with her while she called my mom. I have to stop here and explain that, as a child, whenever I thought I had done something wrong, I would start crying uncontrollably. I hated being in trouble, no matter what the reason. So by this point, I was pretty much sobbing. Mrs. Dickerson handed me the phone, and I remember being surprised as my mother almost shouted into the phone, "Your dad and I are SO PROUD of you, Sarah! WOW!"

What? I was in trouble, and my mom was proud of me? I was amazed.

I had to take my petition to the principal of the school. In retrospect, I think both she and my teacher were trying not to laugh at the scenario, especially when they saw the issue the petition addressed. Then my mother came and picked me up early, carrying cake and chocolate eclairs. We went home and celebrated as a family. My parents were so proud that I had stood up for something, that I had done it honorably, and that I had even suffered for the cause - no matter what the result was. A day that had promised to be traumatic had instead turned out to be monumental in a very different way.

So what happened? Well, the very last week of school, in late May, the entire school was allowed to wear shorts if they chose. And while I ended up not going to that school in 8th grade, I got wind that there had been a permanent change in their dress code. They decided to go with uniforms for their students...but navy-blue shorts would now be included as an option.

And in my parents' support that day, I got a glimpse of God's pleasure that will stay with me forever...all because of shorts.

q&a

2008-03-07T23:19:00.002-05:00

Tonight, my band and I read through John 11 together. This is the part in Jesus’ story when His friend Lazarus got very sick and was expected to die soon. Instead of rushing to the scene to help and heal, Jesus waited two more days.

His justification for waiting so long? “This sickness will not end in death,” He said.

But alas, Lazarus did die*. And Jesus waited until after Lazarus passed to even think of traveling to his town. When He got there, He found Lazarus’ two sisters, Mary and Martha, grieving over their immense loss.

When she saw Him, Mary fell on her knees in reverence, realizing that Jesus was still the Sovereign Son of God. And then she said the only words she could find to say – words that, I think, came from a blend of faith, grief, and anger. “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

Her faith was displayed by her acknowledgement that He indeed could have saved Lazarus from death. Her confusion and/or anger, in my opinion, was revealed by one word: “If...” I wonder if that “if” was really screaming another question – “If You could have saved him, why didn’t You?”

When I imagine this scenario, I can almost hear a faintly accusing tone in Mary’s voice, and suddenly I know the pain she is feeling.

Questioning God usually comes out of great pain, doesn’t it?

Face it – we all have moments in our lives when we question God. I don’t chalk it up to spiritual immaturity, either. I’ve been walking with God for 18 years, but if I said I never questioned Him or got angry when I didn’t understand His ways, I’d be lying. I imagine you would be, too.

And at a certain point in your spiritual walk, the question changes. In the early days of our faith, the question we may ask God is, “Are You powerful?” But at a certain point, after we establish in our hearts that He really can do what He says He can do, and yet He doesn’t do it, the scarier question becomes, “Are You good?”

The thing is, God is not threatened by our questions or by our anger. He also is not fooled or unaware of what we’re thinking. So why don’t we just be open about it?

If you’re afraid of God’s response to your questions, be sure to look at Jesus’ response to Mary’s words. He did not chastise her. He did not rebuke her.

He watched her weep, and He was “deeply moved in spirit and troubled.” Shortly thereafter, He wept too.

The Son of God wept. He had just been challenged, in a way, because Mary didn’t understand the bigger picture, but instead of getting angry and setting her straight, Jesus felt exactly what she felt and wept with her.

How about that for our God, huh?

Here’s what I want to say to you. If you’re mad at God, just say it – to Him. He can handle it – believe me. He can handle all your anger, disappointment, and fear. But here’s the catch – don’t stay mad. What on earth good does it do?

I think after you express your doubts, anger, questions, or whatever it is, you may experience a peace that you didn’t know was possible in your situation. At least, that’s been my experience. God treasures your honesty, too. Just don’t forget that He’s, you know, GOD – still the same God from the Old Testament, the One that created the universe and smote nations…in other words, He’s a whole lot bigger, greater, and smarter than you. Fortunately for you, though, He loves you beyond measure.

And if you’re in a season of weeping right now, doesn’t it comfort you to know that Jesus weeps with you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Other thoughts:
My friend Gale suggested that maybe one of the reasons Jesus waited for Lazarus to die was so that He would know the loss of a loved one, like so many of us have experienced, and so He would know how to comfort us in our sorrow…Food for thought, I guess.

*(For those of you who haven’t read this story, Jesus does actually bring Lazarus back to life and restores him to his sisters – after four days in a tomb. Sometimes God lets things die completely so that, when He brings them back to life, the only one who could possibly get the credit is Him.)

desperation = redemption.

2008-01-28T16:14:00.000-05:00

'Looking at his disciples, he said:
"Blessed are you who are poor,
for yours is the kingdom of God.
Blessed are you who hunger now,
for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now,
for you will laugh.
Blessed are you when men hate you,
when they exclude you and insult you
and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man.

"Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their fathers treated the prophets.
"But woe to you who are rich,
for you have already received your comfort.
Woe to you who are well fed now,
for you will go hungry.
Woe to you who laugh now,
for you will mourn and weep.
Woe to you when all men speak well of you,
for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets."'
Luke 6:20-26

The words of Jesus constantly posed bold and uncomfortable challenges to the status quo. This time was no different. In a culture dominated by the lust for happiness, popularity, and material blessing, Jesus went against the grain and stated that the poor, the hungry, and the desperate were the ones to be admired. It was almost as if He were saying the people that we try to pity are the ones we should strive to be like. How can this be?

Even as Christ-followers, we spend so much time trying to look like we have it all together - like once you accept Christ, everything's golden. We know that isn't true, but a lot of us go to great lengths to keep anyone else from finding out.

The reality is, we are to embrace our need for Him, not cover it up with false glory, perishing riches, and empty laughter. He is saying, “This need that makes you weep, keeps you hungry and thirsty, and brings mockery on your head is to be celebrated, because I have come to fill it. Blessed are you who believe Me, who do not fall away on account of Me, who weep now because of Me – because the day is coming when all tears will be wiped away and remembered no more.

“But to you who ignore this deepest desire, who go to great lengths to silence the thought that "maybe there really is something more" – woe to you, because you will never be filled.”

It seems we have a choice to make. Will we continue to act like we're just fine, or will we be honest about our desperation? Will we live the lie of self-sufficiency, or will we actively rely on Christ's all to redeem us?

two reunions.

2007-06-15T09:23:00.000-04:00

I attended a reunion today...the kind of reunion that only happens when a tragedy has occurred. People who haven't seen each other in 7 or 8 years gathered today to grieve the loss of one extraordinary guy.

There was another reunion on Monday night - of a very different nature. An event that caused us to grieve here on earth led to a reunion of perfect joy somewhere else.

How can that possibly make sense to us - really? How do we reconcile that? I have no idea.

Here's what I do know. Justin Cope was extremely gifted (as a musician, as a teacher, as an actor, as an...everything), he was consistent (everyone had the same opinion of him - energetic, thoughtful, kind to everyone - a joy to be around), and he loved the Lord. Loved Him.

Here is what else I know. Justin can now see the bigger picture. We can only see through a tiny little window where we're at, but now he can see with Heaven's eyes, and it all makes true and perfect sense. He has looked fully into the face of One Who loves him, and he has new eyes. They're still perfectly brown, but new nonetheless.

I very much wish I had been there to see this reunion. Can you imagine? I'll bet, for a second, it was like looking into a mirror...Cope always had his Father's smile.

And there he sits, playing the king of all acoustic guitars (something in the Heavenly Taylor series, I'm sure), looking at the bigger picture and finally understanding things. Billy Jones and I laughed as we thought about how much Jesus must be enjoying Justin's antics right about now. He's writing new and wonderful songs, goofing off with Gabriel, and rooting for Tennessee...

The time of Justin's life will know no end, nor grief, nor sorrow. But it will know many, many joyful reunions.

See you soon.

silence.

2007-02-21T18:02:00.000-05:00

in the aching
i speak to myself what i think you would say.
but my voice sounds flat.
thin.
weakened by words that i do not understand
and hardly believe.
i would rather be mute than false.
but if i go silent, will you speak up?
or will silence once again take
hostage our conversation?
i wonder if it will be the silence of doubt -
what needs to be said? -
or the silence of peace -
it goes without saying-.

healing...?

2007-02-13T19:10:00.000-05:00

20 years of walking on egg shells gets you used to pain. The sense of dread becoming ordinary is at once both tragic and comforting. Though your nerves are constantly on edge, you aren't aware of what it used to feel like to be relaxed, calm, unafraid. This is your life now. Why wish for anything else? Why hope for what cannot be?

Suddenly, the light, fragile egg shells become glass. It tears, cuts, makes you bleed. Your feet become calloused and unfeeling as you get used to this new ground. You've forgotten the feel of grass, and even if you were walking on it, you wouldn't recognize it. Your nerves are dead. In an effort to save what little softness of your heart remains, you put up an impenetrable armor that keeps the bad - and the good - out. You have to take care of yourself, right?

As He leads you into the green pastures, you see but cannot feel...How long will this part of the journey last? He sits beside still waters and invites you to join Him, but you remain standing, hesitant. Can you really rest here? You see the sun, but its warmth cannot get through your armor.

There is only one thing to do to resurrect this life. You must lose it.

So you shed your skin - your entire outer being - like Eustace's dragon, and come forth soft, pink, raw. You blink in the light and shiver from the sudden warmth of the sun. The cool grass underneath soothes your feet. Tears fall as you realize the darkness of the valley behind you. You look down at your new hands that were once cut and bleeding, and see that He has not allowed the rocks of the valley to scar you. In your mind's eye, you can still see deepness of the wound...but He has surely healed it. Or has He?

Sometimes just the remembrance of a wound is enough to make it bleed again.

etcetera.

2007-02-07T22:05:00.000-05:00

I walked into a mailing establishment today to purchase a stamp and mail my car payment. This establishment shall remain nameless (it was not a post office). I walked up to the counter after being greeted by the apparent owner with a "What can I do for you, darlin'?"

"I need to buy a stamp, please."

"Alright, that'll be 55 cents."

I blinked at him. I was expecting him to laugh at his obvious and insipid joke, but I found only silence. Is it possible that he was serious? I guessed I'd better check.

"Why?"

"Because that's what I charge."

Crickets chirped.

"For a 39-cent stamp?"

"Well, I can't charge you what I pay for them!" His tone was becoming more insolent with every syllable.

Oh, right, naturally. One has to make a profit, so it's quite right that one should charge almost 50% more for a POSTAGE STAMP. What kind of profit is 16 cents?
And of course, I couldn't say any of this. Mere words of wit are no match for premeditated insanity.

hearts.

2007-01-31T16:01:00.001-05:00

As the music continued to create an atmosphere of peace and freedom, I looked out over our congregation. On the left side, I saw a young man who recently lost his father in a tragic accident – the kind that you want to think doesn’t really happen to anyone. He was bent over, sobbing into his hands, and two ladies I work with but don’t know very well were with him, comforting him as they may. The first had her arms around him, and the second was standing over him, crying as well, with one hand on his shoulder and the other raised to God for help.
On the right, I saw another young man, recently married, being prayed for by one of my close coworkers. I had not seen my friend in direct ministry before, and to witness this exchange was changing and precious.
Incase you had any doubt as to whether there are any people in the church who are truly genuine…there are. These are the hearts I serve with. I am blessed to know them, to support them, to learn from them. May they be blessed in return.

eternity.

2007-01-23T21:41:00.000-05:00

They put me in a chair that resembled a shabby desk a middle-schooler would be forced to sit in every day, and put a tourniquet on my arm. After sticking me and finding that my vein had magically disappeared, they spoke together of having to do it again. I found that I could not move my head and began to lose feeling in my body. And then...

It was brief, but I remember the clean, bright light illuminating the room in which I now stood. I was calm, serene, because I saw Him. Saw Him. He was there. Near me, in white, saying something to me. I think my heart could distinguish the words, because I felt peace and pleasure. I wanted to stay there, close and reconciled. Then, suddenly, I could hear myself speak, and my voice sounded frightened - an emotion that contradicted the way I felt in that room. Then the image of Him vanished and I began to see two very different figures, flashing in and out of darkness. My ears were immediately deafened by a ringing coming from somewhere within my head, and I was aware that I was crying out for help but could not move. "Oh Jesus, help me," I repeated, trying not to yell. Broken sobs escaped from my lungs as I realized the vision had been just that, and the reality was that I was stuck in a place I didn't want to be.

Did I die? Is that what death will be? A white room of peace, joy, and nearness to the One I love? The closeness to Him was enough for me to stay for eternity.

legacy.

2007-01-02T17:14:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about this a bit lately...about how important our actions and words are, how they affect the next generation, how they affect eternity. It's heavy stuff to think that I might be completely wasting the time I've been given on this earth by doing frivolous things, like centering an entire day on what TV show I'm currently addicted to, or spending hours at a time on MySpace, etc. When I take a minute to think of what I'm actually here for, I am ashamed of how much time I've wasted toward things that have absolutely no eternal value. I don't take enough of those moments.

I was encouraged this week, however, in being reminded that a lot of times, God takes the little things we do - passing moments of kindness, a word of encouragement, being faithful to just show up...you know, things we don't necessarily plan out - and turns them into powerful moments that can enact life change.

I am blessed to be a friend of a truly wonderful family. The Mitchums are some of the kindest, loving, and most compassionate people I've ever known. Plus, they're some of the funniest folk to be around, and that's always a bonus. If you're ever looking for some entertainment, get one of them to tell you a story. You couldn't write this stuff in a sitcom.

Anyway, recently they suffered the loss of Mr. Mitchum's father, Walter. I met Walter for the first time about two weeks before he passed away, and even those few moments make for a good story that I will always remember. I stopped by the hospital room, hoping to see one of the Mitchums, but instead found Walter alone, semi-conscious. I couldn't just leave, as I was sure he had heard me ask the nurse for his room. So I went in, introduced myself, and took his hand. I think my instinct was to try and shake it, but he grasped my hand, held it for a few minutes and said, "Well, you're a number one sweetheart!"

In the celebration of his life a few weeks later, I learned that Walter was a man of very few words. And I do mean a very few. I realized that I needed to cherish the moments I shared with this man, even though what he said may have been prompted by the amount of morphine coursing through his system.

The stories shared during the ceremony painted a picture of a very colorful man that I now regret I had not gotten to know earlier. When Fulton, Walter's only son and namesake, got up to speak, the first thing he said was, "I'd like to talk about one of Dad's finer qualities: his flexibility." I judged that this was not entirely true, as the crowd immediately erupted into laughter.

It was clear that Walter loved his wife. I saw a picture that Travis took about 4 years ago, and Walter looked so happy laughing with his wife that, for a second, I thought I was looking at a pair of 20-year-old newlyweds rather than people about to celebrate their 61st anniversary.

Even though Walter never said very much, it was clear from the stories of friends, children, and grandchildren that this man had made an eternal impact on many lives. As far as I could tell, each of the 3 kids and 6 grandkids were all children of God, and I think Walter had a lot to do with that. He taught them about hard work, honor, faithfulness, and loving God, and they all loved him in return...hey, even the cows loved Walter.

I see a man like that and the eternal effect of the way he chose to live his life, and I am blown away. I'll bet he had no clue how much he would change the lives of those around him...how much the little moments he shared with his grandkids and the words he spoke to his family would mean later, and how they would shape the character of so many.

Many, many people are reaping the benefits of the way Walter lived his life. He instilled a tradition of kindness and compassion in his family, and even now, just by being in relationship with the Mitchums, my life is being affected by Walter's influence.

It's incredible to think what all God can do with a heart that is truly after His own...

So, the moral of this story is, don't watch 24. It will ruin your life.

joseph.

2006-12-10T22:56:00.000-05:00

I've known the Nativity story all my life, but not until this year has it really seemed "real" to me. I think the movie helped, to be honest...if you haven't seen it yet, you really ought to. It's beautiful. I was extremely moved in seeing the relationship between Mary and Joseph fleshed out. It moves so quickly in Luke that it's very easy to forget that these were real people with real emotions and struggles. I've spent years thinking they were super-human or something, but now I think differently. While I know Joseph was not superhuman, I do believe now that he was an astounding man of God.

I mean, look at it - here's this guy who's in love with this girl, and then, though she's told him she would marry him, she's suddenly found to be pregnant. Bless his heart, he must have felt so betrayed. Crushed. His heart stomped on. And yet he does not lash out and accuse her to justify himself, like many other people would have done (and certainly would do today). He has in mind to "divorce her quietly"...that in itself is amazing, considering that we now live in a culture where gossip is prevalent in almost every conversation. How easy (and perhaps temporarily gratifying) would it have been for Joseph to spread rumors in an effort to make himself look better?

If Joseph had done that, he would have been directly standing in the way of God's plan to save the world.

The movie helped me understand exactly what Joseph had to give up when he accepted God's plan for his life. First off, this guy obviously truly loved God or else he wouldn't have done any of it. He gave up his reputation by taking Mary as his wife (making people think that he had slept with her after all). He didn't sleep with her at all until after Jesus was born, as a matter of fact. And it was clear that he really did love her, because he basically gave up his honor to protect hers...and to support her completely in what God had called her to do. He traveled a heck of a long way to his hometown and found a place for Mary to give birth once there. He was a protector, a provider, and a strong, faithful, obedient man of God.

I am now currently looking for Joseph's modern-day counterpart. I know a few of them, but they are already married. The fact that men like this exist at all today gives me great hope. :)

Merry Christmas to you.

eulogy.

2006-09-19T14:26:00.000-04:00

Leslie Frank Molter, my grandfather, died on September 14, 2006. He lived for a full 89 years in Garden City, NY, and Chapel Hill, NC. A graduate of Colgate University, he met his first wife and had three children by the age of 40. Five years after his first wife died, he was set up on a blind date with Martha Irwin Gadol, my grandmother, who was also a widow of five years and a mother of three. The picture taken of that night has been on their nightstand for years…appropriately, their theme song has always been “Some Enchanted Evening”.

Martha and Les married within six months and had two more children. I don’t know that there has ever been a more blended family than this one. A real Brady Bunch, as it were, and it worked. Martha and Les showed no favoritism. Everyone was treated and loved equally, and that is still evident today. 8 kids, even more spouses (ex and current), 17 grandkids, and 6 great-grandchildren, and everyone genuinely likes each other. It is really a unique thing to see, and I pray that I am able to pass this legacy on down to my children as well…

My grandparents have always been wonderful, but I didn’t begin to pursue my own relationship with them until I was 18. It was then that I was going through my parents’ separation and was in need of some stable family relationships, so I began to visit Chapel Hill on my own frequently. The last time I remember talking to my grandmother was around New Years’ of 2001. We had a conversation about Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, and for the first time I felt like I was finally beginning to tap into the years of knowledge and wisdom that she had. I never got to this point with my mother’s mother before she died…I was always too distracted with playing with my cousins and just doing the kid-thing. Anyway, I remember my grandma telling me that she was going into the hospital the following month to have a routine procedure done regarding a lump they had discovered.

During this procedure (if I have the timing right), she got some sort of infection, went into a coma, and after a painfully drawn-out time of waiting, died in the hospital. I saw her for a few days while she was unconscious…my uncle Steven constantly went through the rosary beads with her. I read some excerpts from Canterbury Tales and sang to her. I spent a few days at the hospital and tried to help my aunts and uncles with the sadness and weariness they were experiencing. We were all helpless to do anything. The problem, whatever it was, couldn’t be fixed. She was surrounded by her eight kids when they finally removed the ventilator.

I still miss her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My grandpa (Papa, as everyone calls him) held up well for the following 4 ½ years. He was faithful to buy everyone Christmas presents, which was impressed for an 85+-year-old. He continued living by himself in the house, went bowling weekly, took a walking class after he fell down once, and made himself breakfast and dinner every day. I visited him once over a New Years’ and we did nothing for three days but play Gin Rummi and make a daily trip to Wendy’s over lunchtime for a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and a Frosty.

I always had to warn any friends I took to meet my family that, at some point, they would probably have to sit through a 30-minute interrogation with Papa. He was the most inquisitive man I ever met. The questions just kept coming, and he remembered every answer given him. It was an exhausting ritual, but he never forgot a face or a life story, and that meant a lot to everyone who met him.

Last Tuesday at 2pm, I received an email informing me that Papa was basically dying of liver disease. The doctor had given him 2-6 months. I was really surprised. I knew he had been declining over the last year and a half, and the previous week my aunt Leslie (the nurse) had moved him into her house so that no one would have to worry about him falling down again, but I had no idea his health was this bad. I planned a trip to see him within the week.

On Thursday at 1, my dad called to tell me they had taken Papa to the hospital at 4am that morning. I got in my car, quickly handed some things off at work (thanks to my fantastic, flexible and kind coworkers), and started driving to Chapel Hill, preparing myself for another situation like Nana’s.

He died an hour before I got there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How did this happen? How did he decline so fast? We were going to have a 90th birthday celebration in less than two months! Now we’re preparing for a funeral? Now I have to gear myself up to bury the last grandparent I had on this earth?

I spent the next four days in Chapel Hill while my extended family slowly trickled in. Each day I experienced a deep sadness that I did not expect. I wasn’t extremely close to Papa, but I guess when it’s someone who’s always been there your whole life and has always been kind and stable and suddenly he’s gone, a void is created. And now they’ll probably sell the house that I’ve always known as “Grandma’s House”, and my reasons for visiting one of the most beautiful cities in this country are starting to vanish. My heart breaks for my family. I experience trouble breathing. I grieve.

We all grieve in different ways. Aunt Michelle cuts and arranges flowers. Barbra cleans and cleans, happy that there are no objections to her finally going through the refrigerator and kitchen closets. I find myself desperate to write and process what’s happening before my eyes. Then there’s Steve…stoic, strong and steady. Left to steer the ship in his 3 brothers’ absence and take charge of all the arrangements that suddenly must be made. The pilot goes into auto-pilot until the busyness is over and reality sets in.

We all do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The memorial service was beautiful. Done in the same place my grandma’s was…the Newman Center of the UNC campus. Tom, Steve, Dad and Michelle each gave brief, beautiful eulogies. We then went to my grandma’s gravesite, where my grandfather was also to be buried. They put the urn in the ground, and all 8 siblings, as well as many of the grandchildren, took turns gently shoveling dirt over the urn, the hat that my cousin Tara sent from Ireland, and the flowers that were placed in the hole.

Closure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was 4 or 5 years old and my parents would take me to visit Chapel Hill, Nana and my parents would catch up with each other while Papa would make little peanut butter-and-Ritz sandwiches for the two of us to feed to the little inhabitants of the toy castle they’ve had since the 60’s…

A few months ago, I had a weekend off coming up and I thought I would use it to visit Papa. So I called him up and said that I would like to come up for a few days to visit within the next couple of weeks. “Where are you gonna stay?” he asked me. “Um...with you?” I hadn’t thought this would be a problem. “Oh no, you can’t stay here!” he said, and explained that he was set in a routine and having people in the house stressed him out. I was surprised and only a little offended…I mean, how many people get dissed by their own grandfather?

A few days later, Steve called me and said, “I heard from Papa…you poor thing.” Apparently Papa had left him a rather ornery message, which Steve saved for the next several months. I heard it two days ago.

“Yeah, Steven. Sarah just called me and invited herself to stay with me for a few weeks. I told her no. You’ll probably be hearing from her soon.”

If I had understood what the misunderstanding was, I would have gone to visit him…oh well. It’s still pretty funny.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Closure.

Sort of.

I still have trouble breathing. I still experience moments of deep, inescapable sadness, and I am still surprised by it.

I have seen the grace of God all around me in the past week. Phone calls, messages, endless support from friends and coworkers...I have been amazed. And I firmly believe the family will continue to love and like each other. The foundation has been established...can it be shaken now? I don't think so.

Peace is still needed, though. Comfort. Perhaps the passing of time will bring true closure. Or perhaps heaven alone can provide it, when we meet again and finally understand the whys and wherefores.

Either way, I am thankful to feel these sorrows. To have known such love and acceptance from someone, and to know the grief over their loss. I am thankful to feel. And I know I will look back on this time and raise yet another Ebenezer in thanks and reverence to the One Who brought me through it.

Thanks for reading.

Broadway Video...

2006-09-13T12:54:00.000-04:00

Hey all...
I don't know if you've seen this yet (and if you have, you should watch it again). A while back, me and my brilliant friends Jim, Ryan, and Nate came up with a brilliant idea on how to brilliantly encourage people to continue giving toward the building of our brilliantly brilliant Possibilities Center (which opened on August 29--woot woot!).
So...here it is. Enjoy! Laugh! Revel! Marvel at the brilliance!

Psalm 137.

2006-09-09T20:55:00.000-04:00

Challenging week, this week. Seems like God has had a pretty big lesson for me to learn every day lately. Sometimes I respond correctly, humbly, with grace, and sometimes...I don't. Usually I tend to feel like I'm the worst person in the world and self-flagellate until I almost go crazy from the guilt. That's the hardest concept for me to grasp-that there is no condemnation, now that I am in Christ Jesus. That God is not about guilt, and that He is not standing over me with frown and pointed finger. This lesson, He has had to teach me over and over and over and over...

Over the past week, Psalm 139 has been a tremendous encouragement to me...especially verses 11 and 12. I have added my own interpretation of what I think these verses mean...hopefully they will encourage you, too.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in-behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
(If I convince myself, "Okay, now I've really screwed up. Surely my sin is too overwhelming and God is fed up with me now...I've blown it and now I'm on my own,")
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
(Even the darkest part of my heart is not dark to you. You have searched me and still you say, "All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you" [Song of Solomon 4:7]. You are determined to bring light to every part of my soul. You will not give up on me.)

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
(if only you would just remove all sin within me right now! Just make me a pure reflection of you for all the days to come RIGHT NOW so I won't have to deal with this sin struggle anymore!)
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Please don't.

2006-09-09T20:41:00.000-04:00

Listen here. If you're in a relationship that you would like to get out of, please do not use God as an excuse.

You know what I'm talking about. It's the line a lot of us have used, and it goes something like this:

"I just need to focus on God for the next six months or so...so maybe we should take a break."

Please. Guess what--God wants to be the center of your life ALL THE TIME. Not just for a six-month period. What happens when you get married?

Also, God is not in the business of breaking hearts. Consider it--the person on the receiving end of this suddenly has found out that God is against him/her. "God is telling this person that I'm really into not to date me anymore...so God wants me to be alone??" Don't use Him as an excuse because you have decided you don't want to be with the person you're with anymore. It's okay if you don't--really--but be a man (or woman) about it and be truthful.

For those of you wondering, yes, I have been on the receiving end of this line...but I've also been on the giving end of it, too. A somewhat recent and, thankfully, much less impactful experience has reminded me of how bogus and hurtful it really is to use God as an excuse for something you want to get out of. Think about what you're saying--really think about it. What impression is this going to give the other person about their Creator? What impact is this line going to have a few years down the road on that person's relationships--with others and with God?

Truth is, you have no idea.

Tell the truth in love. Don't skirt the issues, and don't make excuses. Yeah, it'll hurt, but that's inevitable. Sure, you want to avoid conflict and make the process as easy as possible for you...but what I'm asking you to do is choose the path that's better for the other person--not you. The path of unselfishness, of discomfort, of truth. Trust me, it will all work out and hopefully leave the other person with a whole lot less baggage.

That is all.

Are you serious?

2006-08-25T23:25:00.000-04:00

Recently - five months ago, i think - a guy from Berkeley County was injured by a bomb that went off while he was serving our country in Iraq. They brought him back in critical condition to a hospital in Texas, where they ended up having to amputate both his legs and, I think, his arms as well in order to save his life. Meanwhile, he married his highschool sweetheart while still a patient in the burn unit...

He died a week ago.

Tomorrow, they will be having a memorial service for this guy...and there are people protesting the funeral. Protesting. Waving around signs that say, "Thank God for dead soldiers."

Are you serious?

I saw the video of the lady on Fox News a few months ago who thought she was on a mission from God when she was organizing these protests up north, and I mistakenly thought that was an isolated incident. I didn't think it was anywhere close to home. Yikes...

I am appalled, saddened, furious for the family of this soldier who literally sacrificed his body and gave up his life serving our country by trying to protect someone else's. And these people are protesting the fact that we recognize this???

It doesn't matter what the reasoning is behind the war or who's responsible or what. It's not this guy's fault. Don't stand in the way of those who are trying to honor his memory. What good does it do? Does it help end the war? Does it help anyone at all?

Besides, these soldiers are just people with families and histories and hobbies and passions and relationships to remember. Would you protest a civilian's funeral? The 67-year-old man who finally succumbed to cancer? How about the 21-year-old wife who died when she lost control of her car overcompensating for someone else veering into her lane? 500 people showed up to that funeral--would you protest that?

I realize this post is going to offend some people, but even that fact saddens me. It just doesn't make sense.

We won...?

2006-07-19T15:24:00.000-04:00

So recently, Rob and Kristin of the Morning Show on His Radio went on summer tour and were planning on visiting good ol' Summerville. A few weeks ago, they announced a contest where the listeners were asked to vote for their favorite worship team or choir.

Seacoast Summerville won.

What did we win, you ask? Well, first off, as Kristin put it when she called me, "You've won a frisbee!"

YESSS!!!! We LOVE Frisbees!!!! Seriously, that is the only sport we as a band are remotely good at...and we're actually not very good at that at all. So an extra Frisbee is greatly appreciated to replace the ones we've lost in the woods.

Just kidding, we've never lost any in the woods. But we have broken one or two trying to do that bounce-the-Frisbee-off-the-pavement trick that Joe taught us...

Anyway, we also had the opportunity to appear with Rob and Kristin at the local Chik-Fil-A at 7AM on Wednesday morning. 7AM. Who is really up at 7AM? Actually, let me ask this question instead, since I know a lot of you will say you work at 7am...---who is SINGING at 7AM? Yeah, that's what I thought.

It actually wasn't too bad, though. My buddy Laura brought a miniature sound system (thanks to Fox Music for that...), Gale brought his snare and Justin brought his mandolin. Oh, and of course I got to play Dan's GORGEOUS Taylor 414. It was heaven. And I think you could actually hear us on the radio a bit!

Rob and Kristin couldn't get over how much I apparently look like a singer named Joy Williams...resemblance, anyone?

But the best part was the little kids who showed up at 8 to see us, with signs and all!

It was pretty cool, actually. We won because our congregation members (and some other people who just happen to like me) took the time to vote for us. I promise I had nothing to do with it! ;) So thanks to all who voted...You are welcome to come play Frisbee with us any time.

Gushing

2006-07-03T23:46:00.000-04:00

I haven't written in many moons...my apologies to my avid readers. *ahem*

Allow me to gush for a moment. I am blessed to work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met---on a regular basis. And not only are they amazing people, but they are incredible musicians as well! These guys are pro, I tell you, and they give up about 8 hours of their time a week (at least) to rehearse, get up way early on Sunday mornings, and play for at least two services on the worship team at Seacoast Summerville for no more pay than some bananas and cheese. Sometimes they give up their Saturday afternoons for rehearsals...sometimes they give up an extra night to help with other meetings where worship music is needed. These people are selfless, they are dedicated, they work hard at volunteer jobs, and I am blessed to call them my friends. They answer the need whenever there is one, and they are willing to go the extra mile---on a regular basis.

Let me tell you who I'm talking about.

We've got Joe Hanna, who not only is one of the best guitarists (acoustic or electric) in the greater Charleston area, but can sing, harmonize, AND rap--if needed. And he's not too bad at the drums either. Then, of course, Gale Watson, who can learn any drum beat you want him too, handles all the technical stuff, and is creative to boot. Rick Krenmayer never ceases to amaze me with his skillz--he needs to be added to the list of greatest bass players in the southeast. Seriously, all you band people in Charleston looking for a bass prodigy--he's your man.

I know you people think I'm exaggerating, but really, I'm not. Ask Gil. Or anybody who knows.

Then there's Dr. Justin James, who can play everything--with gusto. I'm not even close to kidding. There's Krista Thurston, who sings like an opera angel, knows exactly where I'm going and can harmonize on the spot, and plays an impressive pad/piano combo...There's Maewin Van Something, who harmonizes fantastically and has the same level of energy as I do (well, almost), and that's an extremely underrated quality in background singers---girl power all the way! Josh Mitchum, my friend and brother, whose claim to fame (well, one of them anyway) will be his knack for re-inventing the familiar in worship music, has been a beautiful addition to our team in bass, guitar, and vocal ability.

This team, the regulars, have been such a blessing to me. They allow me to be completely dorky and at least pretend to laugh at my goofiness. They are patient with me when I am lazy, stressed, bossy or insane (or all of the above).

Then I've had a revolving door of people the last few months, all of whom have been phenomenally talented, patient, willing, and just plain incredible. People like Paul Goforth, Wayne Lee, Matt Podesla, Nancy Lowe, Carl Wine, Justin Renzulli, Josh Gragg and Tim Clemons...

Gush, gush, gush. I was just thinking about how honored I am to work with so many great hearts and talented people, and I wanted to let the public know as well. To these musicians, I say thank you. May God give back to you a hundred times what you have poured out for Him. May He increase your talents all the more as you have invested them in advancing His Kingdom.
And may His Kingdom advance as we continue to lead His people in worship--pressing on and pressing in.

Blessings,
Sarah

So excited I could spit...

2006-05-17T20:17:00.000-04:00

a few things today...

first off, if you're in the charleston area and you haven't checked out every tuesday in a while, please do so. there's a fresh wind blowing through that place, and you don't want to miss it--seriously. God is on the move.

i was talking about some things with nate today and expressing some concerns regarding getting stale with the worship services i'm in charge of lately and how to inspire my team and congregation to move forward, and he said something really simple but really well-timed. "just try stuff, sarah. you'll never know what you're capable of until you try things. maybe some songs will work and maybe they won't, but you'll never know unless you try."

simple, right? but believe it or not, i've been sort of scared to try. i have been guilty of putting Almighty God in a box because i thought i had to conform to the status quo...i've been allowing my desire (and, I think, His desire) for a fresh wind to blow through my congregation to be hindered by my own complacency and fear of...what? failure? who knows. but i have stood in the way...until now.

a certain verse has been on my heart for the past two months, and i have recently discovered that it is also on the hearts of my friends gil and amy from mosaic church...

Isaiah 43:19 -
"For I am about to do a brand-new thing. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness for my people to come home. I will create rivers for them in the desert!" (NLT)

Same verse in the English Standard Version:
"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

behold: to see with attention. to be alert, aware, perceptive.

has this verse been on my heart for nothing? has God spoken it into my friends' hearts just by coincidence? no...God is about to do a new thing. behold! be alert! be proactive! and whatever you do, don't stand in the way.

Whew.

2006-05-01T17:28:00.000-04:00

I tell you what, the past week has been a rough one. I've been exhausted physically and emotionally...I thought I had gotten better toward the end of last week, and then came yesterday.
Yesterday (Sunday) was one of the roughest days I've had in a while, as far as church is concerned. Lots of wrenches thrown into the process, and I didn't handle my stress very well. The frustration continued throughout the day and into this morning, and I started to feel like I just couldn't handle it another week. I HATE feeling like that! Discouraged, frustrated, starting to not like the very thing that I love.
Then my boss/mentor showed up at work and I ended up basically just collapsing into tears, and you know what? It was okay. She just hugged me. And then spent about twenty minutes calming me down. :) But really, it was so very encouraging to hear that, for one, I'm not alone in feeling this way sometimes, and two, I am not a failure. And also not being condemned for freaking out every once in a while was very nice as well.
And then, just when I didn't think I could possibly put together another song list for another weekend, my dear friend Josh said he was not only able to come co-lead with me this weekend but that he would put together a set list for the weekend as well. Praise the Lord--seriously. God knew I needed that...what a comfort to know He cares about the seemingly little things.

And then I had the best cup of coffee from Starbucks that man has ever seen, and that was a comfort as well. :)

Well anyway, I just wanted to say that God encouraged me in several ways today when I was just exhausted and sad and "downtrodden," as it were...He'll do it for you too. Read 1 Kings 19...

Buckle Your Seatbelts, Part 1

2006-04-11T23:28:00.000-04:00

I’ve been going through The Sacred Romance with my small group lately, and the chapter we just studied hit me so hard, my mind is still reeling. Here is a 3-part blog that tries to encapsulate from what I’m learning…please read the whole thing and let me know what you think.

Have you ever wondered if God feels? Emotions, I mean. I’ve found myself sometimes thinking that God is not prone to emotions. I’ve inadvertently assumed over the years that He’s relatively even-keel and not given to extreme feelings of pain or pleasure. Almost like a big computer in the sky...I think, “He’s in control of things, He’s not affected or changed by people, and everything’s going to be okay because He’s not temperamental like me. And He loves me, too, and that’s awesome.”

But then I wonder…how can He love me without feeling extreme emotion? How does that work? What kind of love can that be?

Hold that thought.

Suppose I am a non-believer who has really never understood who God is or why in the world I should spend my life loving Him. How would you answer me?

Perhaps you would say that He is all-powerful, all-loving, the Creator of the Universe… that He died for my sins, offering me eternal life…and all of these things are fantastic, but I’m still not quite clear on what kind of person He is. Is He even a person? Does God have a personality, or is He just this Being that I’m supposed to revere and obey? ‘Cause that’s all well-and-good, but if I’m going to really love someone and enjoy spending my life with them, I want to actually like the person. So…do you like God?

Think of the people you like to hang out with. Why do you enjoy them? What is it about your true friends that makes you want to spend time with them? Well, they’re fun, right? And probably smart and funny and you have things in common…basically, you like their personalities. Now, if we are to be friends of God as it says in Matthew, there has to be a mutual liking. We know that God likes us (did you know that? that’s another blog…), but do you like God’s personality?

I personally think it would be hard to like someone who is completely emotionless. No excitement, no passion, no drive. It would be frustrating, because that person wouldn’t understand what I go through if they’re not prone to the same emotions I experience every day. So, is God really like that? Because if so, I might be in trouble…

How do we find out what God’s personality is really like? Take a minute and think of nature. Think of the creatures you see on the Animal Planet. Think of mountains, geysers, sunsets…God created these, yes? Looking at all of this, what are some things you can gather about God’s personality?

Obviously He has a sense of humor. And I know you want to say He’s creative, but look deeper. What is one of the greatest characteristics of creative people? They are passionate. Their art comes from places of deep feeling—be it joy, anger, pain, whatever. And I don’t know about you, but when I look at the natural world around us—and even at the people around us—I would say that we are living in the greatest work of art there ever was. So perhaps—PERHAPS—our über-creative God does, in fact, feel.

Let’s look at this logically. We are created in God’s image—man and woman. And that does not apply simply to physical features, but to our souls and, on a smaller scale, personalities as well. That’s right, kids, our inner beings were created in God’s image. That being said, where did all of our emotions come from? The dirt? Our sin nature? No! They are all part of the deal! Now, obviously the sin part associated with our emotions didn’t come from God, but the feeling-part totally did. So if we feel such extreme emotions as we do, what does that tell us about our Maker?

Continue to Part 2.

Buckle Up, Part 2

2006-04-11T23:27:00.000-04:00

Another question: Is there any pain worse than a breakup?

Consider, if you will, a time in your life where you felt extreme rejection. Perhaps a breakup…and I know this will bring up some really unhappy memories for some of you, but go with me for a second. What are some of the worst feelings associated with a breakup? Well, rejection, of course. Betrayal. Disappointed hopes. Regret…feeling stupid that you invested so much when the other person was just going to throw it back in your face. You also probably felt pain that you thought would never go away… I don’t think there’s any worse pain than that associated with a breakup.

Let me tell you something. God has felt that pain. A lot. But there was one particular breakup He had to go through that I want to focus on.

Once upon a time, our Hero loved a human—two, actually. He gave them the world—literally. He was so delighted with their friendship, and looked forward to their evening walks. He let them name all the creatures He had created, telling them that whatever they wanted to name them would stick forever. He was so excited about the future they had together! A lifetime eternal in Paradise…love reciprocated. Perfect fellowship. He opened His heart to them…

And they threw it back in His face. For an apple.

They believed a lie—God was holding out on them, they were sure of it. God wanted to share all He had, including His heart, and they said, “Nah. Surely there’s something You haven’t told us—this is all too good to be true. We’d rather listen to this slimy thing on the ground than believe in Your promises for a future that we can’t see.”

And His beloveds spit in His face.

The Breakup…what did God feel? Did He wonder, “What did I do? I offered them everything…I gave them so much of Myself…I loved them with an everlasting love, and they didn’t want it. How could they not want it? Why wasn’t I good enough for them?”

You’ve felt the pain that you thought would never go away, right? So has He.

Continue to Part 3.

Buckle Up, Part 3

2006-04-11T23:25:00.000-04:00

One final question: Is there anything greater than love reciprocated?

So here we are. We know God has felt the pain of rejection. We have felt the same thing, on a much lesser scale. But we know that God felt. He felt betrayed. He felt regret. He felt sorrow and bewilderment and all the effects of a broken heart. He felt it. And how did He respond?

After your breakup, did you immediately go out and start loving someone at the same capacity again? Did you go out just as vulnerable as you were before, or did you hide yourself in a shell for a while? Perhaps you’re still in that shell…unwilling to open your heart up to someone because of the fear of getting hurt to such an extent again. You’ve got to protect your heart, right?

God has no shell.

God didn’t hide Himself after Adam and Eve. Yes, He had to punish them, and there was definitely a separation, but the story of Perfect Love did not end there. God did not say, “This whole thing is too painful for Me, and I don’t think I’ll do it again. I’m done with these humans—they’re only going to destroy My heart.”

Thank GOD He didn’t say that! No, the story of Love continued on with Abraham, Moses, David, Solomon…Jesus continued the story in physical form (again, a whole other blog)…and it still goes on today. Not only that, but throughout history, God has loved us just as intensely as He loved Adam and Eve. He did not hide Himself away—He has opened His heart to us again and again. And how have we responded? Has He been rejected since the Garden? Oh yeah. Look at the people in Noah’s day. Look at Sodom and Gomorrah. Look at Jesus on the cross…the ultimate rejection.

God feels it again and again, and yet takes the risk…again and again.

Why does He take this risk? What is it about us that He wants so much? I don’t really know, to tell you the truth. But I know that He wants me. My Lover is mine, and His desire is for me…

What is it about romance that excites us so much? The general consensus among my small group girls is that it is the fact that someone thinks our ideas matter, thinks that we are attractive, thinks we have nice-sounding voices—basically, someone saw us and thought, “Hey, I like her. I want to know her…she is special.” Picked us out of the crowd and saw us…

I’ve been in love before…or, at least, supreme infatuation. And I was affected in ways that I did not expect. Everything he said was important to me. Every look in my direction, every touch from his hand was something I cherished. He would single me out in a crowd, and I knew he saw me. Saw me. Saw who I was and liked me…loved me, even. When he chose to spend time with me out of everything else he could be doing, I was elated. Overjoyed. His actions, words, movements affected me in a way I didn’t know was possible.

God feels. And if He has the same ability to feel the pain of rejection that we all have experienced, then you better believe He feels elation too. Consider this—if this one guy I was infatuated with had such an effect on me, imagine what the guy I LOVE will do! And if I already know the joy of just being recognized, imagine what God—in Whose image I was created—feels when the object of His affection turns their eyes toward Him and sees Him…sees Who He is and likes Him…loves Him, even!

And who is the object of His affection? Yeah, you.

There are times when we gather as a congregation and sing songs of praise and worship to God. Sometimes, honestly, there are times that I am singing almost by rote. I enjoy it and I know I am honoring God, but you know how it is when your heart’s not quite in it. But then, you also know what it’s like when it is. For a brief, passing moment, you hear the words of the song and you think, “Yes! I believe that! God, ‘You are the only One I need; I bow all of me at Your feet; I worship You alone’! Amen!!”

And at that moment, your eyes turn upward and you see Him. And He sees that you see Him. His beloved, the object of His affection and the passion of His heart, has looked up and seen Him…recognized what He’s been doing…appreciated Him…felt love toward Him. His love, for a moment, has been reciprocated.

You cannot imagine the elation that He feels....

I don’t think He ever says, “Well, it’s about time. You’ve been singing for fifteen minutes already—hello!! Thinking about yourself again, I see.”

No. Let me ask you to consider that maybe it’s more like this:

“Oh--you see Me! You see ME!!! I’ve been looking in your eyes for so long, and now you can see Me!!! Oh, My beloved! I have so much for you, so much I want to give you and teach you and provide for you—please, please let Me! There is nothing I would like better than to spend all My time with you, comforting you and caring for you. Do you feel My heart? Do you feel it pounding when you speak, sing, look at Me? Do you feel it now? Oh, My darling…”

Tonight at the annex, I stood onstage and listened as 200 people sang in unison without needing my help, and I imagined the face of the Father as He listened. We joined as one heart, looking up at our beloved Savior, and suddenly God was emotionally overwhelmed. The faces of so many of His beloved, singing praises to Him and seeing Him in His beauty, glory and grace. Recognizing His love for them and reciprocating…all at once.

This is what worship is, kids. Forget rules and regulations, routine prayers and preparation.

Look into the face of One Who loves you, and love Him in return.

You cannot imagine the elation He feels…for you.

Introducing...

2006-03-27T15:03:00.000-05:00

My newest favorite rockband...PickleHeart.

Check this out. My friend and I went out to Jim and Nick's Barbeque a few weeks ago, and the waitress apparently really liked us. Not only did she give us free cheese biscuits and an extra chicken finger with our order, but she also gave me this pickle on my sandwich:

My friend and I, who both have an interest in coming up with rock band names, decided that this must be the start of something great. I have since designed PickleHeart's first album cover...

Photoshop, with a little extra time on your hands, is a beautiful thing.

I am not a college student anymore...

2006-03-25T12:04:00.000-05:00

Haven't posted in a while, so I thought I'd let y'all know what I've been up to this week.

Let's start with the most recent thing. Last night, I went to see my friend Matt's band (Pawnshop Radio) play at the "Dark Room" downtown. It used to be called Bar 145, but they changed the name so it wouldn't sound so sketchy...I don't think it worked. Anyway, they didn't get done playing until 1:45am, which means I didn't get home until 2:30. I don't remember the last time I was even awake that late, let alone out driving...and I am paying for it now. It's noon, and I'm about to go back to bed. At one point, I told the people I was hanging out with that I was "living" because I was drinking a Coke at midnight. I am soooo not a college student anymore...it's kind of sad, really.

This week has been busier and a little more stressful than usual. I think it all started on Monday night, when I sang at a memorial service for Braedon McBride, the daughter of two good friends of mine. They went to the hospital on Thursday morning to deliver her, thinking everything was fine, and found out that during the previous night the umbilical cord got a knot in it and cut off Braedon's air supply. I cannot adequately describe this nightmare...but Monday night, Jim Miles and I rallied and did our first funeral together.

Now, I've sung at many funerals--probably more than weddings--but I have never had to do the whole service before. My boss, Jeanne, came and sang backup to support me--can you believe that? I have the greatest boss and mentor in the world. It was also really good that she was there because no one really knew how to do a funeral, so she ended up kind of directing the whole thing...anyway, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in ministry. And I realized, this is my job now. This is what I signed up for, although I didn't know it at the time...this is part of the deal. I was honored to be a part of this precious baby's memorial, but man. Why did that have to happen?

So that started my week, and the rest kind of followed. And now there's a chance I may finally take the plunge and move out on my own--friends, I need some prayer here! I got some interesting confirmation of it last night (at least, that's what I think it was), and I just really need the wisdom and courage to "step out of the boat" and really trust God if this is what He's calling me to do. I think He's taking me into a new phase of growing in maturity and dependence on Him...

So, lots of things going on this week! How are you? Let's catch up sometime.

Pictures of worship

2006-03-19T18:42:00.000-05:00

Check out picture #1:

This is my friend Demi's daughter Alana. I think she's about three years old...and worshipping for the first time at a Mosaic service. Can you believe this? This is so great and beautiful...this is how we are to be. Like children, dancing before the Father. What an inspirational picture!

This weekend, I got another picture of true worship. There's a man at my church named John who is involved in the Cleansing Stream ministry--a very intensive ministry that relies a lot on heavy intercession and prayer. In the past 6 months, John has lost both his youngest daughter and his wife (these tragedies occurred less than 5 months apart). One was unexpected, the other resulted from a longtime illness, and both were obviously major blows to this man and the rest of his family. I cannot imagine the grief John has had to endure in such a short period of time. I think I would hide from the world and forget my ministry for a while--whatever it may be.

But he didn't.

The week after his wife died, I saw him at church, worshipping God and serving as usual. It blew my mind. How could he do that? How could he show up, worship, and carry on with his ministry, let alone function at all? And yet, there he was, raising his hands to our faithful God, declaring that He is indeed faithful and merciful and just.

If that isn't a picture of true worship, I don't know what is...and from where I stood on the stage, I felt like maybe we needed to trade places.

So today was the last day of the Cleansing Stream Retreat. I went as a participant this time, and the last session was on the baptism of the Holy Spirit. As I went up to receive prayer for a fresh filling of the Spirit, it just so worked out that John, whom I had not formally met, was available to pray with me. And as he anointed me with oil, I felt honored--truly honored--to have this man, this true worshipper, pray for me to grow in my own worship.

God, let it be so! Let me have the same dedication, the same connectedness, the same soul-knitted bond that John shares with You. Thank You for this example, and please, please restore back to him a hundredfold what has been taken away. May he know peace, joy, and safety as he truly rests in You. Amen.

I think I love you, pt. 2

2006-02-28T16:43:00.000-05:00

This is a post I started to write last month but never posted...until now.

"You will recall the post I wrote after I returned from Charlotte. I was so impressed with these young people who had turned away from what was familiar in order to be a light to unfamiliar people. And to be honest, I was a bit jealous. I longed for that passion--not only in my own life, but to see it in the people around me. I felt like I had gotten so bogged down with routine that I had forgotten what it was all about...and I thought others around me had forgotten, too. "Where are the warriors?" I wondered. For a second, I thought I needed to pick up and move to Charlotte, where the fire seemed to be blazing.

And then this weekend, God opened my eyes...How arrogant I was to think like that!

Two nights ago, my lead guitarist called me and asked if there was anything on my mind that he could pray for. He had apparently had an impression that something was burdening me for a few weeks and had just mustered up the courage to ask me about it. I think he got that sense right when I got back from Charlotte...

Then, last night, I went to a Summerville leadership meeting where we said goodbye to two very instrumental people in our church. And as we sang "Holy is the Lord" together as a family, I looked around and suddenly I saw them. Warriors. People I've been working with for over a year...faithful followers of Jesus. How could I have not seen? I don't need to go to Charlotte to be surrounded by giants of the faith--I have the privelege of working with a ton of them in Summerville!
Take my guitar player Joe--a prayer warrior on my own worship team! And not only him, but my whole team--Gale, Justin, Rick (my big brothers), Krista, Maewin, Bo and Glenda, Wayno...not only my band, but my family.
Phil and Sherry--my 2nd parents. They truly "love others intensely" (1. Peter 1:22), including myself. They gave up what was comfortable and are living every day on faith that God has called them to lead this church.
Dan and Mariann--Who could be more fun to work with? These two support Phil and Sherry in absolutely everything, and they provide an example for the rest of the church to follow.
Neil, Connie, Molly, Wilt, Skip, Mark, Dad, and the rest of the prayer team--talk about "forcefully advancing the Kingdom"! They constantly allow themselves to be used by God to cover the whole place, including me and the band, in prayer. They are ready in season and out to pray for whatever the need, and they are always able to share the truth with me when I am bombarded by confusion.
So many others on the Children's Ministry team, the Tech team (where would we be without them??), Student Ministry...and many more.

All of these people gave up the comfortable and the familiar--and continue to do so each day--for the sake of God's Kingdom. Sure, it's "home" to me, but we are constantly moving forward into new territory!
I am thankful, so thankful, to be surrounded by these giants of the faith...and I know that, for now, this is exactly where I belong."

Great song

2006-02-25T16:42:00.000-05:00

This is a song by Sara Groves that I heard again recently, and I have a feeling many of you will identify with it...

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend
It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

If it comes too quick I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

Favorite songs

2006-02-25T16:27:00.000-05:00

My blogs have been very deep lately (at least, deep for me), so I decided it's time to lighten things up with a little get-to-know-Sarah info.

Here are some of my favorite songs, and at this point i will stop capitalizing letters because i type faster that way.

stevie wonder
ribbon in the sky
sir duke
i wish

billy joel
the stranger
don't ask me why (i want this as my ringtone--can someone help me figure this out?)
movin' out
the entertainer

jump (little children)
between the dim and the dark
opium
easter parade (forgive the curse word)
quiet
say goodnight
mother's eyes (ingenious--i think they change chords about 3,000 times)
pigeon
mexico

bon jovi
shot through the heart
everyday
livin' on a prayer (tommy and gina #1)
it's my life (tommy and gina #2)

fleming and john
i'm so small
i'm not afraid
letters in my head
comfortable
radiate

paul simon
you can call me al
diamonds on the soles
st. judy's comet
train in the distance
hearts and bones
me and julio

frank sinatra
i get a kick out of you
fly me to the moon
when i was 17
luck be a lady
same ol' saturday night

stevie nicks
edge of seventeen

jamiroquai
canned heat
cosmic girl

aretha franklin
you're no good, heartbreaker
chain of fools
think

van morrison
brown-eyed girl (gets me dancing every time)

david crowder
turkish delight
rescue is coming

caedmon's call
the only one
emptiest day
manner or the means
piece of glass
fall to pieces
faith my eyes
what you want
swing your robe

switchfoot
only hope--this is my life song
(and pretty much everything else)

randy newman
a bug's life suite

tchaikovsky
anything, really

chopin
romance larghetto for piano and strings--this narrates much of my life

well, those are just a sampling. i like lots of things...do any of these match your style?

Joining hands across America...

2006-02-25T16:18:00.000-05:00

I realized something about myself yesterday. I have a passion for unity.

Does that sound hokey? Here's what I mean. One of my aspirations in life is to one day lead at a Passion (or something of the like) conference (and maybe to even speak at at breakout session, but that's besides the point). I've been to the Thirsty conference twice, and they were AMAZING because you're in a room of, I don't know, 2 thousand people who all have the same thing on their minds---worshipping the one true God. So you've got 2 thousand people unified in thought, worshipping in spirit and in truth at the same time. There's nothing like it. This is what heaven will be!

When I'm leading a usual service on a Sunday morning and I can hear all the voices in unison to the extent that I don't even need to be on the microphone leading them anymore, that is the utmost fulfillment of my job. These people, from so many different walks of life, have finally come together for one purpose...this doesn't happen every week, unfortunately, because people have distractions and mixed-up priorities and, well, people are just human...but I have a passion to see it happen every week.

So when we go out into the world like Jesus told us, what is it for? It's to bring others to a spirit of unity with the Body of Christ, right? We want them to know God and to worship Him. In that sense, beyond all denominations and factions and other trivial details, we MUST be unified. Because this is what it will be in heaven...complete unity.

You know, the more you say "unity", the weirder it sounds. Just a thought.

Oh, it works all right.

2006-02-23T22:38:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been struggling a little bit with believing that prayer really works. To some of you, that will sound insane. Let me try to clarify...well, actually, I might not be able to. Just know that I was struggling, especially with the "Ask anything in My name and it will be given you"...

And then, tonight, God answered two prayers that I've prayed in the past two days within about an hour. It was amazing. And He answered them in the exact way I had prayed!

And here's something I realized. A lot of times, I don't have any idea what to pray. Some situations are just too huge for me to wrap my brain around. And that's when you let God lead your prayer. Jesus said, "Ask anything in My name..." This was the case with these two requests. And so in both instances I prayed that God would work His will, but then I prayed for specific things to happen if they were in His will...and they did! Exactly as I prayed them!

I know this isn't a very deep blog. I just left very encouraged about prayer and how great God is and that He's really listening and really speaking and you can really hear Him...you know what I mean.

Be encouraged. Pray, pray, pray--even if it's just an act of obedience. God calls us to pray, even when we don't understand how it works. So do it...be faithful--you know He certainly will be!

I'm going to bed now.

Scotland Yikes

2006-02-13T22:10:00.000-05:00

I know, clever title, huh?? I amaze even myself sometimes.

Anyway, here's another one for the kids…

Before I get started, let me give you the cast of main characters to help you follow along with the story. They are:

Jeanne (my boss)
Martin (my other boss, Jeanne’s brother)
Peter—Jeanne and Martin’s cousin
Ruthie—Peter’s wife
Petey—Ruthie’s brother, Peter’s brother-in-law

So, my two bosses are from Scotland, and one day—the day before Thanksgiving, to be exact—Martin told me that he had the perfect guy for me, but he was only going to be in the country for one more day. “Oh, you’ll love Petey. He sings beautifully and writes songs…but he goes back to Scotland tomorrow, so we’ll have to move quickly.” And I said, “uh-huh,” laughing at the joke and thinking this was all very nice, but oh well, Petey’s leaving the country tomorrow.

Well, a few minutes later Martin brings the subject up again, saying to me, “Now, how can I get you two to meet?” Again, fairly sure he was joking, I said, “Well, I’ll be at Atlanta Bread Company at 12:15.” Well, Martin gets on the phone with his cousin Peter and says, “the lady in question will be at Atlanta Bread Company at 12:15…”

He’s kidding, right?

Peter and Ruthie end up coming to the office shortly before I leave, The meeting is pleasant but a wee bit awkward, because I wasn’t sure what they were thinking. Not hearing anything more about Martin getting his cousin’s brother-in-law to ABC, I left and felt relieved that maybe it really was a joke.

It wasn’t.

20 minutes later, I’m sitting at ABC with my mother, and in walks Jeanne’s best friend Jodi. As soon as I saw her, she waved at me as if she had expected to see me, and I knew I was in trouble. Soon, Jeanne arrived with her parents, who were also visiting. Then Martin, his wife Sarah and their three kids. Then Peter, Ruthie, and Ruthie’s other two siblings (excluding Petey).

Jeanne walked over to our table and, after making some quick, pleasant conversation with my mom, said to me, “Now, what you’re going to do is refill your soda and come plant yourself over there by me.”

Yes ma’am.

And I tell you, friends, all of Scotland was reuniting on the other side of Atlanta Bread Company. The Chalks took over a fourth of the restaurant. It was oh so awkward, and that’s before the man in question had even arrived!

Poor Petey soon walked in with Jeanne’s two daughters (which brought the number of folks attending this blind date to about 18), and Sarah waited about ten seconds before practically shouting, “PETEY! I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET SARAH!”

I didn’t even look up. It seriously could not have been more awkward, and I almost burst out laughing when we were finally forced to shake hands. As soon as we had done so,
I looked over at Martin who was giving me the thumbs-up, thumbs-down signal to see what I thought of him. There was no where for Petey to sit by me (Jeanne’s planning could only go so far, I guess), so he sat at the other end of the room and I chatted it up with 2-year-old Iona.

Another 20 minutes goes by, and someone says, “Where’s Petey?”

Petey was gone. I think he darted out during some of the routine confusion and went shopping or something. I felt really bad for the guy—how awkward! I mean, it was awkward for me, too, but these people weren’t my family. I wasn’t going to have to answer many embarrassing questions later on. I felt more like a spectator than a participant, anyway.

So, even though I didn't get a husband out of it, I was thoroughly entertained by the whole ordeal. Hope you were too. :)

Rescue

2006-02-10T17:08:00.000-05:00

This song just popped in my head recently (I didn't write it--it's one we used to do a while back), and it expresses what I've been feeling lately. Kind of goes along with that picture I had recently as well.

"Rescue"

You are the source of life

I can't be left behind

No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You, Jesus,

To come to my rescue

Where else can I go?

There's no other name by

Which I am saved

Capture me with grace

I will follow You

This world has nothing for me

I will follow You

I wish I had written that!

I was thinking about that passage of Scripture (it's in the Gospels somewhere) where Jesus asks His disciples if they are going to leave Him. And Peter says, "Lord, where else can we go?"

Think about that for a minute. Where else can you go? Can you just walk away from God? Can you even contemplate what that would mean? Think about it--there's really no where else to go! I can't live apart from Him. He is my breath, my source of life, my hope. And without hope, there is no life.

This may seem super-spiritual, and I am certainly not this way most of the time, but I've been feeling desperate lately. Desperate to get back to the roots of why I am doing this, why I am singing every week, why I am alive. I get so bogged down with the technicalities of service procedure, song flow, and business that I get very tired and forget my passion. It makes me weak, sad, feeling like maybe I'm losing it. And I don't want to lose it. I just have to remember why I'm doing this...why we're singing these songs. Why I have to attend rehearsals and go to meeting after meeting...I have to remember that the business side is not, and cannot ever be, the substance of my calling. I have to get back to my First Love.

Isn't it awful how easy it is to forget your First Love? But man, when you remember...

So, Jesus, I need You to come to my rescue. Remind me of why I am alive----You.

I think I love you...

2006-02-06T18:45:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, I got a chance to visit my friends in Charlotte and be a part of the third Mosaic service ever. Charlotte’s a great city…I like it more and more each time I see it. But the main reason I’m growing so fond of it is because of a certain group of people…

Let me tell you something, kids. There is a revolution coming, and it’s being started by a group of twenty-somethings in a new city. These people have changed careers, left home and given up everything familiar in order to let the people of Charlotte know that they are loved. What more noble cause is there?

Sure, there are going to be nay-sayers. There already are. There will always be people who are offended with their approach and desire to be relevant. But honestly…who cares?

While I was visiting, I had the privilege of sitting in on a prayer meeting of the core team. I sat with them through fellowship, worship and prayer, and I was emotionally overcome at the hearts of these precious people. God has pulled together a group of beautiful, talented, passionate young people to reach a generation in a way that nobody has done before. And not only that, but He has burdened each of these hearts with a passion for the lost. That is what moved me beyond words—that each of these warriors, who gave up so much and moved beyond the comfortable, were in tears for those who currently walk in darkness.

In the midst of such faith, I also felt that passion stir within me…the passion that has long lay dormant. How could I have forgotten what it’s all about? I think I have become complacent with the big-church thing…satisfied with the large numbers, forgetting how we are supposed to grow. And why should we grow? So we’ll be in more magazines? So we’ll gain national attention? Aack!

We should grow because I finally get with the program and start spending more time with my friends who are lost—the people God has granted me favor with. We should grow because I get the courage to walk up to the guy at Starbucks that always fixes my coffee and see what he’s doing on Sunday morning or Tuesday night.

There are some members of the Mosaic team that look around and see not just random people in the mall but souls who are desperately searching for hope. And this is why they moved. This is why they show up every Sunday at 7am. This is why they meet and meet and meet…

This is why we’re here. This is why we do what we do.

God, let me not forget what I have seen and felt.
This is why.

take up your cross

2006-02-03T20:05:00.001-05:00

I had a mental picture during Every Tuesday a while back, and I had forgotten about it until tonight when I was spending time with my good friends Gil and Amy. I love having friends that you can talk about this kind of stuff with, by the way. I highly recommend it...

Anyway, I think Nate was singing "Til I See You" at the time...and I had my eyes closed, and suddenly I had this picture:

I was standing in Jerusalem on the road to Calvary, and in front of me was Jesus, carrying His cross. And all around there were people mashed in, watching and jeering as the Savior carried His cross to the place of His death. And suddenly I realized that I had a cross on my back and I was following Him up to Calvary. From my viewpoint, it was just me and Jesus walking this road.

My cross was heavy and it hurt, and suddenly I thought, "I don't like this. I'm not comfortable. I don't want to carry this cross anymore."

And I veered off to the side of the road with all the jeering people and let the cross fall off my back.

Then I looked back at Jesus, and He hadn't stopped for me. He hadn't even really seen me leave the road, but I knew He knew. And He kept on going...

And then I looked down the road in the other direction and saw something that I hope I never forget. Following Jesus, as far as the eye could see, were all the true believers--millions and millions--and they all carried crosses on their backs. And as I stood at the side of the road, my back already feeling better because of the weight loss, my heart wrenched as I realized that all of my brothers and sisters were passing me by, following our Savior. And I was left standing on the side...all because I had been uncomfortable carrying my own cross.

And when it came to choosing between a bleeding back or being apart from Jesus, there was no other choice to make. I picked my cross back up, fell in line with the rest of the chosen priesthood, and fixed my eyes on the form of my Messiah trudging slowly up the hill, carrying a cross that would offer salvation to the mocking crowds all around Him. Such peace, such strength, such faithfulness and sacrifice were worth following, even in great pain...so I followed, and I never looked back.

Mark of the Lion

2006-01-11T18:48:00.000-05:00

So I'm reading this trilogy by Francine Rivers called Mark of the Lion, and it is AMAZING. Seriously, check it out.

Here's the gist (or at least, the part that has to do with this blog): There's a Christian girl named Hadassah living around 40 A.D. in Rome, and she ends up getting thrown to the lions in the arena and severely marred, but she doesn't die. She has a scar from her hairline to her chin that's pretty deep, and she keeps it covered with a veil so she doesn't freak other people out. Now, this chick is incredible--her faith and love for people draw everyone to her, basically, and even though she's a fictional character, she's a model for me. Anyhoo, one character, when remarking on how different Hadassah is and why she wears a veil, says:

"She has the mark of the lion on her. People fail to see what it means."

That, of course, is a two-fold statement. Literally, she was physically attacked by lions, and it is obvious to anyone who really knows her that God spared her life. However, most people don't understand that when they first see her scars. Figuratively, she has the mark of Christ Jesus on her and that affects how she lives her life. She is a Christian. She was persecuted for it, and God allowed it to happen. Though she has scars, she lives to tell people about this miracle of God's mercy...

If you've ever read the Chronicles of Narnia, you may remember a scene toward the end of The Horse and His Boy where Aravis gets attacked by a lion, who turns out to be Aslan (the Christ figure) himself. Aslan had a reason for doing this (to humble Aravis, to teach her to treat others better, etc.) and when reading the story, his reasons are obviously merciful and just. But she will have scars on her back--basically, the mark of the Lion--for the rest of her life.

Application time!

God allows stuff to happen to us that hurts like the underworld. We have scars from divorce, unfaithfulness, abuse, disaster, mean people, whatever. Sometimes they are things God uses to teach us, discipline us, turn us around. Sometimes they are things God uses to show us His mercy and protection. And sometimes we never quite figure out the reason because it's part of a much bigger picture that we can't see yet. No matter what the cause or reason, we have scars.

The question is, what do you call your scars? Are they reminders that you were once a victim of unfortunate circumstances, or do you recognize these scars as the "mark of the Lion" and use them to tell others of God's mercy?

Let's pray.

Harold, the Dust Mite

2005-12-27T23:08:00.000-05:00

Hi, my name is Sarah and I HATE change.

So, my dad got re-married about two weeks ago and is going to be selling his condo where I have lived off-and-on for about 4 years (so, I have a lot of stuff there). Let's consider the changes this entails, shall we? Well, actually, let's skip past the re-marriage stuff and move straight to the moving thing.

Here's the thing with moving. Even if you're leaving a place you weren't staying at all that much or that maybe you didn't even like, there's still something really sad about it. It's really depressing for me to take pictures off the wall, because those pictures provided comfort to me. Watching the wall go from a multi-colored mural back to a blank palette feels like a defeat. Removing trinkets and artifacts from a room that was once your own but will now belong to someone else just plain ol' sucks.

So, imagine all of that and multiply it by at least ten--because I hate change more than most. If I'm going to change something and smile about it, it's because I've thought long and hard over it and I've made sure it's something I want to do. However, when it's something that someone else decides, that forces me to make changes, I have an extremely hard time.

Some types of change I don't mind--like the occasional redecorating. This is one of the changes being "forced" on me because of the move. Today, I was considering with some degree of pleasure how I would reorganize the bedroom of the house I live in now. I was thinking of what things I would put on top of my dresser, realizing that some things would have to go. Then it occurred to me that I'd have to dust before rearranging anything. This is a simple observation, yes. But when you dust as often as I do (meaning...never), you think, "Ew. There will be a pretty thick layer by now..."

Please don't puke; I have a point.

Why don't I dust more often? Well, for one, because I'm plumb lazy. But the other reason is that I never think to, because I never change anything on my dresser. The same stuff has been up there for years. I never move things, I rarely add to it, and therefore, I never think of dusting it. But the dust, over time, can actually harm the wood, as well as getting into the air and aggravating my allergies. So, the effect of not changing things is negative.

Same thing goes with staying in one physical position for too long--you can cut your circulation off. Blood doesn't get to all the parts of the body when the leg or arm is bent for too long, and the foot falls asleep, or the whole arm goes completely numb (if you've never awaken with this, be grateful). You have to change something frequently in order to keep all of your body alive and functioning properly.

Change stimulates, invigorates, sometimes angers us. Usually it points out a weakness that we must, in turn, hand over to God to change in our lives. What happens when we let things get stale or cease to move in a forward direction? Dust collects. Circulation gets cut off. We stop growing and we begin to die.

Consider the bowl of water for my cat downstairs. If left unchanged for a day or two, the water will become stagnant and eventually a layer will form over top of it. Disgusting, isn't it? That's why the bowl has to be rinsed and refreshed at least once a day. Stagnant water is undrinkable. It's unusable for the purpose it was intended and must be thrown out.

In order to stay alive--and not just alive but growing--I have to undergo change. It has proven to be very painful at times. But I would rather take up my cross and follow Jesus, futher on and further in, than give into my fear of pain and remain here on the road, useless, stagnant, dead.

What's a Christmas Gram? I want one! Pt. 2

2005-12-25T14:53:00.000-05:00

I was reading the story of the Magi today in Matthew, and I read that the Magi were known for studying the stars.

Yeah, I know, that's nothing too deep. But picture this. Can you imagine three (or however many) guys who spend all their time studying the stars--they have a passion for it--and they know everything there is to know about stars...and then suddenly, a star that they have never seen before (after years and years of study) appears in the sky. And you gotta think that if this star indicates that Christ has been born, it's gotta be a pretty magnificent star. Think of how excited the Magi must have been. What a discovery! I imagine that their curiosity was beyond peaked, and the thrill of the unknown was reawakened in their very hearts. And because of their interest, their years of study, and their curiosity, they met Jesus and ended up protecting his very young life. Isn't that something?

I think it's cool how God used their interests to lead them to His Son. There are practical applications of this idea, but I'll leave that discovery up to you.

Merry Christmas.

What's a Christmas Gram? I want one! Pt. 1

2005-12-25T14:48:00.000-05:00

Does holiday music make you feel just a teensy bit depressed? It does that to me. I refused to listen to any Christmas music on the radio until about 9:30pm on Christmas Eve night, as I was driving back from my church services in Summerville to my home in Mt. Pleasant. And even then, in the midst of the actual holiday bustle (not the preliminary stuff that seems to start in August these days), I felt a little bit of discontent.

Why? I think most of the songs written for Christmas (not including Christmas carols, of course) are geared toward romance of some sort. Even if the lyrics aren't romantic, the orchestration usually is. So if you're single like me, you may start thinking, "Hmmm. That sounds romantic. I hate it. Stupid, shmaltzy Christmas music." This holiday has NOTHING to do with romance! So why all the romantic music? The kind of music they play tries to make you pine for either someone or for a time that has ended or perhaps will never be. So let's boycott it!!!

That's depressing, huh? :) Sorry. I am actually in a pretty good mood. This has been a better holiday than most, and I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. So...stay tuned for part 2.

Things I really, REALLY don't like

2005-11-29T21:48:00.000-05:00

Take heed...

-People coming up behind me and squeezing/rubbing my shoulders. I don't care who you are. If I can't see your face, please don't touch me.
-Beeping things--alarm clocks, cell phones with new voicemail, etc.
-Being one of the first people at a party.
-Things shifting around or falling over in my car while I'm driving.
-Meetings I am required to attend that have nothing to do with me or my job.
-Rush hour in the rain when I'm hungry.
-Sore throats.
-Local commercials.
-Sticky substances in inappropriate locations (i.e. honey between my fingers or some such nonsense).
-Purple clothing...on me.
-Sometimes, talking on telephones.
-Muzak.
-Most Southern Gospel music.
-Miscommunication
-Arrogance (in myself more than others)
-Change...

Now I run the risk of getting a little too serious with this blog. It's a lot more fun to dwell on what you like rather than what you don't, isn't it? Just a thought...

More poetry

2005-11-28T21:00:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite poets is William Carlos Williams. He uses a very few words to create an incredibly vivid picture. Take "The Red Wheelbarrow":

~~~~~~~~~~~
so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.
~~~~~~~~~~~

And that's it! Isn't that something? He must have been trying something with the three-words-then-one technique.
You're probably thinking, "Uhhhh...right. I could write that. That's stupid. How is that poetry?"
Well, I have a question for you. How red is that wheelbarrow? Can't you just see it? A bright, shiny, fire-engine red wheelbarrow, just washed with rain, beside a bunch of stark-white clucking chickens. The moment is so vivid...and then, because I'm hungry, I think, "mmmmm...chicken....."

That's what poetry does. It creates a moment--just a moment. Sure, sometimes it takes several tries to understand it. But the poetry that is capable of making you feel like you've experienced something is worth taking the time and effort to understand.

Look at "This is Just to Say":

~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A poem written on a post-it note. Brilliant.