brutus.

I have an "Everyday Shakespeare" pull-a-page calendar on my desk.

Don't judge me.

This week, there was a quote from Julius Caesar that really struck me. Ligarius is talking to Brutus and says,
"Set on your foot,
And with a heart new-fired I follow you,
To do I know not what. But it sufficeth
That Brutus leads me on."

It got me thinking...

As a leader, it is really quite something to hear a person of sound mind say that they'll follow you anywhere. What a declaration of trust! And while we should be honored by the sentiment, we as leaders have to continually remember (and admit) that we're human. If I'm totally honest, following me blindly probably isn't the best idea. There's a good chance I'm going to lead people right into stupid things sometimes if they aren't careful to keep me in check.

Really, the only person we should follow that "blindly" is Jesus.

It reminded me of Barak and Deborah in Judges 4...Deborah tells Barak that he should go fight in a certain battle because God is going to give him victory. But Barak basically says, "Uh, yeah, that's great, but if you're not going, I'm not going either." He trusted Deborah's leadership and relationship with God more than his own at that point, when God had specifically called Barak! And because of his preference to follow Deborah rather than God, he forfeited getting the victory in the battle.

At no point do I want my team to follow me above following Jesus. While I pray that I will always lead in such a way that they'll never have to choose between me and God, you never know. As I said, I'm human. The best I can do is equip them to follow God on their own, no matter what. And I think that should be the desire of our hearts as leaders--that our followers may say to God (rather than just us): "Set on your foot, and with a heart new-fired I follow You, to do I know not what. But it sufficeth that Jesus leads me on..."

release.

I have been pondering lately about our inherent struggle with the issue of forgiveness when we've been wronged. There are a myriad of excuses we can use to try exempt ourselves from this command of God, but I think one of the most deceptive ones is, "I'm just waiting for that person to apologize."

And here's what I know about that.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with an apology.

I think we want apologies because they make us feel like we could forgive more easily. But as we can’t control the other person’s heart or actions, we can’t guarantee that we’ll ever receive an acknowledgement of the wrong that’s been done. And if we wait to feel like forgiving, we will probably never obey.

Examples: Jesus forgave the men who crucified Him while they were committing the act. On a more personal level, Romans 5:8 says, “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us”(emphasis mine). He forgave us before we even thought to ask for it.

So, the idea of waiting for someone to apologize before we choose to forgive is bogus. The person you’re thinking of may never fully realize the extent of the damage they’ve done. They simply may never apologize. But that does not release you from your responsibility to forgive.

Now, if forgiveness has nothing to do with an apology, then that means...

Healing has nothing to do with an apology.

Consider it on a practical level for a minute. Let’s say the person does apologize. Will that undo what’s been done? Will that erase the pain you’ve suffered, or the consequences of their actions? While it may make it easier for you to feel like forgiving, it does not undo the damage.

The healing is in the forgiveness, not in the apology.

Personal story…I experienced something in college that left me broken-hearted, confused, and angry. I had been extremely hurt by someone, and he was not owning up to it.

That began a very long process of forgiveness and healing that was completely separate from guy involved. God had to take me through a journey of releasing the pain through totally forgiving the act, in order that I might receive His healing. No apology could fix this. No amount of repentance could undo the damage. I had no inherent ability to heal myself. This was God’s work alone, and it took a long time for me to be willing to accept that.

However, once I did truly forgive him (and I clearly remember that moment), the freedom came. Again, this had nothing to do with the guy involved. This was solely me and God working things out, and it took years before all the pieces were put back together.

Years later, after a random series of events, I received the apology I had desired so long ago. And instead of it being something I needed for closure, it actually came as more of a gift from God to bless an already healed heart.

God is capable of restoring the most broken of hearts. He alone is the One with the balm. No words can justify, no human acknowledgement can heal. It's Him, and Him alone, and He is able.

Forgive the person. I know for certain that God will take care of everything else.

guest.

I guest-wrote on my friend Shawn Wood's blog a while back...thought I should add it here, too.

"Give ME Back MY Jeans and Be a Man: A Single Girl's Perspective.

Stop making excuses and be honest.

Lately, I’ve noticed a disheartening lack of willingness to be honest about what’s really going on in a relationship. I see it when a guy’s got a serious problem and needs help, but is unwilling to ask for it. I see it when a guy suddenly changes his behavior toward his friends because of an offense and then act as if nothing odd has happened. I see it when a guy really wants to break up with his girlfriend, but “doesn’t want to hurt her.”

(Disclaimer: I am very well aware that this happens in both guys and girls, but as Shawn asked me to write this about guys, you males will receive the brunt of what I have to say. Sorry.)
Here’s the thing. The problem is not that you have an issue, or that you want to break up, or that you’re hurt by something someone said. The problem is that you’re not owning up to it. And so it seems that you either become passive-aggressive, or you start making excuses.

The truth is, both of these options will potentially destroy the relationship you’re trying to preserve.

By acting or speaking indirectly in order to avoid conflict, you actually create it. By avoiding an honest conversation that may cause pain, you actually increase the pain we end up dealing with when the truth finally comes out…and it will come out. And we girls can get very confused when things change suddenly with no explanation. Don’t leave us to “fill in the blanks” on our own; that never goes well.

Just tell us what’s up—most of us can handle it, especially if we’re walking with the Lord. You might be surprised at how many of us are willing to work through conflict in order to save a friendship.

And I just need to get this off my chest…If you are in a dating relationship that you want to get out of, do not –I repeat, DO NOT—use God as an excuse. Perhaps you’ve heard the line, “I just need to focus on God for a while.” News flash—God is supposed to be the center of your life ALL THE TIME. Focusing on Him is not a seasonal thing; it’s a lifestyle. And it’s not what you really mean, anyway. Saying that you need space because you “want to focus on God” is just a really nice way of saying, “I want to break up with you, but I don’t want to own up to it. And maybe, if I use God as an excuse, I won’t have to handle the consequences of hurting you.”

You’re probably wondering if I’ve heard this line in past dating experiences. Yes, I have. And it nearly destroyed my desire to love again. But I’m not going to lie—I’ve also used it myself. And it’s total bunk.

How about we just leave God out of it?

Don’t misunderstand me—I am a devoted follower of Christ. I adore Him. I want to go wherever He leads and do as He guides. However, I am not a robot. The decisions I make are my own, and I must be willing to accept the consequences of those decisions, good or bad. Saying “God told me to” is just an attempt to avoid those consequences.

(And think about how that could come across to the other person, by the way. It could very possibly lead to them thinking, “I’m in love with this person, but God obviously doesn’t want them to be with me…God must be against me.” Oh, the problems therein…)

Guys, if you’ve decided you don’t want to continue dating the girl you’re with, own up to it. Don’t get shifty and start avoiding her. Don’t be shady and make excuses. Be honest. She may hate you for a minute, but she’ll appreciate you later for not leading her on.

The point is this: Guys, you honor us by telling us the truth in love – even if we don’t act “honored” at first. You show more value and respect for us and for the relationship by addressing the issues squarely than by avoiding them to “save” us from hurting.

So step up. Be a leader of integrity in the relationship—be it friendship or other.

Be honest. Be a man."

rust.

I have a shower caddy in my bathroom. It’s pretty and silver and shiny…at least, it was. Pretty soon after I bought it, the thing began to rust. (This is normal for me, by the way—I’m not sure I’ve ever had a shower caddy that didn’t deconstruct rather quickly. And I call that a fundamental flaw.) I noticed it right away. I realized I needed to take my Herbal Essences shampoo and St. Ives body wash off of the top rack, go buy an S.O.S. pad, and do a little scrubbing. That’s all—an hour of my time—and the rust would be gone.

But I could think of at least 20 other things I’d rather do in that hour. So I did one of those things instead. And not surprisingly, the rust got worse and worse. Today, I noticed that about a third of the bottom rack is covered in orange. It’s happened so gradually that I almost got used to it looking that way. But pretty soon, if I don’t take care of it, I’ll have to throw it away and get a new one. Again.

It actually reminded me of some situations in my life where I’ve noticed some rust…a growing tendency to procrastinate, an aversion of exercise, a sudden “weirdness” in a close relationship. And when I notice the “rust,” I have a choice: I can either take an S.O.S. pad and scrub the thing (change my attitude or confront the relational problem) or I can ignore it and just stand back as the situation deteriorates.

If I choose the latter, however, the thing will soon become like my rusted-out, useless shower caddy, which is more likely to cause tetanus than bring any good to the world.

I wonder if I’m the only one…

Sometimes I look around and I see relational carnage—people leaving jobs because of friendships gone sour, breakups over conflict that was never resolved, people just not talking to each other…and they don’t even know why…and I wonder: if the root issue had been addressed early on, in honesty and love, as soon as the rust began to grow, could the relationship have been saved?

If I had dealt with my shower caddy early on, it could still be usable now. Are we willing to deal with the rust in our lives as soon as it appears? Our relationships depend on it...

girls.

Something stood out to me when I listened to Geoff’s message this past weekend. When he said that women need to feel loved, beautiful, valuable and safe, my first thought was, “Are the men treating us like that?” But the next (and more persistent) thought was, “Do I treat the women in my life like that?”

Sometimes we cast the entire responsibility onto men for making sure we’re being treated the right way. But I see just as much damage coming from women toward other women as I do from men! You ladies know what I’m talking about. We get competitive and catty. We get jealous and judgmental. We gossip and tear down, and if we’re on the receiving end of such treatment, we walk away feeling unloved, ugly, unvalued, and in danger of receiving even more pain from each other. I think this is a major reason a lot of us avoid women-oriented groups or events...

(By the way, if you have trouble thinking of an example of this in your life, just try to remember what it was like to be a girl in the 7th grade—that ought to bring up a shudder-worthy mental picture. We tend to start early, don’t we?)

What I realized is that I, too, have the responsibility to treat the women in my life as loved, beautiful, valuable and safe—no matter who they are. And in terms of godly character, we can’t expect the men to do what we’re not doing ourselves. Let’s step up and be the women God created us to be…and let’s start with how we treat each other.

delight.

There are a few sounds I delight in lately...

• my favorite two-year-old clapping his hands and saying, "Yay Sarah!" when the band finishes the service
• my band doing an impromptu jam - just because they can
• this baby's laugh
• the intro of AKUS' Choctaw Hayride...oh yeah.
• my phone beeping with a new text message
• calling a loved one who's suffered from unemployment for almost a year and finally hearing them say, "I can't talk right now - I'm still at work."

risky.

Loving a person just the way they are, that’s no small thing
Takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we’re waiting
We need grace either way...
Hold onto me, and I’ll hold onto you
Let’s find out the beauty of seeing things through…

-Sara Groves, “Loving a Person”

Sometimes getting hurt makes you question what love is supposed to look like. It makes you wonder whether it’s really worth the good possibility of getting hurt. And really, those answers can only be found when you look at some examples of real love. Here’s what I discovered about love when I considered a few of the precious people God has placed in my life…

Love is when someone looks me in the eye and says, “Sarah, whatever decision you make, we’ll get through it together.” In that moment, they are committing to walking through the mess and dirt of life with me –even if I make the wrong decision and bring consequences on myself. They are not going to let me figure this out alone.

Love is when someone lets me completely freak out for a moment (or a day, or a week, or longer…), and in the next moment acts as if nothing odd has happened.

Love is patient. It’s a commitment to the time it will take to “see things through.” Going a step further, it’s a commitment to let a person become all that God plans for them to be – in His timing, not yours – and to love them through the process.

Once upon a time, I thought loving a person would be easy. I figured it would just come naturally. Now, in my less-naïve years, I’m finding that love takes time, work, and risk – more risk than I was prepared for. And it doesn’t come naturally at all – at least, not with some people, in some situations. It’s not clean and simple. It’s not convenient. And it’s certainly not pain-free. I didn’t expect that.

I suppose we could just choose to forego the whole thing to avoid getting hurt…I mean, let’s face it – getting hurt really, really stinks. It can leave scars and take what feels like an eternity to get over. But if we aren’t willing to take the risk of committing, investing and putting ourselves out there, we won’t ever get to experience real love. And what do we gain by protecting ourselves to such a degree, anyway? Are we not created to be filled up and poured out again? Are we not meant to live lives of passion and purpose? Are we not designed to further the kingdom of God?

Can we accomplish any of this without love?

Physically speaking, our hearts are meant to pulse and work and strain to keep the body alive. It's the same with the Body of Christ...it can only survive when we exercise the strength of our hearts in loving one another.